Best Enemies, Worst Friends

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Honen: Multiplication... you stupid kitty... ...2 x 3 iz 6, SIX!!! BANZAIIII!!!
Nucleo: Honen!!
Honen: Wha...what? What you doing?
Nucleo: I'm trying to wake you up. You're having a nightmare or something.
Honen: Oh, iz just you, Professor McRaven. What do you want now?
Nucleo: Aurora wanted me to get some details from you about the destruction of the west wing. The damages were apparently caused by what some witnesses described as..."an insane robot bunny". The other witnesses must've had some hearing loss from the explosions because they responded to all inquiries with "WHAT?!" Can you confirm what happened during your lecture, Honen?
Honen: I told you million times, I dunno. Iz all a blur now.
Nucleo: Hmm...I see. Honen, it's also been brought to my attention that you seem a little down...I think maybe you should try talking about it.
Honen: I don't want to talk to dat Desert-Elf shrink unless he starts using picture dat matches his age.
Nucleo: I wasn't suggesting that you speak with Dr. Abirok. I know you better and thought maybe you could discuss it with me first. Besides, Preston has his hands full right now...

Preston: Okay, Mr. Hallet, let's start over. Can you please explain exactly what your problem is again?
Chester: Dude. It's like I told you. I think I'm gonna turn into an eggplant.
Preston: And why do you think you're turning into an eggplant?
Chester: Because, dude...there was an eggplant in the cafeteria the other day, and now it's gone...and dude, I heard that once an eggplant is 100 years old, it becomes possessed by a spirit and starts turning everyone into eggplants.
Preston: ...
Chester: Well, dude, what should we do?
Preston: I think you're confusing several different legends there, my friend.
Chester: No, dude, it's totally true! I have photographic evidence:

See, dude, man, there they are! They grow a single eyeball and start walking around.

And dude, they get you when you least expect it. One night you're sitting in your pajamas eating corn beef hash and sticking straws up your nose while watching The Price is Right reruns and suddenly BAM! You're an eggplant.

Preston: Uh-huh. You know what I think, Chester?
Chester: Dude, tell me.
Preston: I think the reason the eggplant is missing from the cafeteria...IS BECAUSE SOMEONE ATE IT!!
Chester: Oh, dude...I suppose your explanation makes more sense...but one can never be too sure, right? I still think turning into an eggplant is the most likely explanation for this headache I've been getting lately.
Preston: *sigh*... By Leohtiss...

Nucleo: Oh, another thing I needed to ask you, Honen...Is it possible for you to tell me how old you are? We're trying to clear up as many question marks from the Cast listing page as possible.
Honen: I dunno. I was small child when I left my village and I haven't kept track of ze years too well ever since. Just put me down as 30.
Nucleo: 30? Okay. You know, I think you're the first "young adult" mad scientist I've ever heard of. They're usually really old with white or grey hair or unreasonably young.
Honen: Judging from how zis career has treated me, I wouldn't be surprised if others go right from being child to being prematurely grey.
Nucleo: Well, if there's anything you ever need to talk about...
Honen: You are so strange, professor. I am your worst enemy and yet you are so nice to me. Why?
Nucleo: You're not my worst enemy.
Honen: Not ze worst there's ever been, but ze others are all dead so I win by default.
Nucleo: Sometimes worst enemies are also best friends.
Honen: Sometimes worst enemies...what? Are you trying to confuse me, professor? Dat sounds like one of those paradoxes dat could cause universe to implode...
Nucleo: No, it makes perfect sense. We're kind of like...Harman Smith and Kun Lan in Killer7.
Honen: Yes, I, wait...who?
Nucleo: Nevermind. Just be glad neither of us is like Travis.

Honen: Aye. I can certainly agree with you on dat, professor.
Nucleo: Well, I'll be going now.
Honen: Wait, um...professor...
Nucleo: Yes?
Honen: Do you remember dat time we were onboard dat ship and you grabbed me from behind and bit ze merde out of my shoulder and dug your claws right into my hip?

Nucleo: Uh, yes...I suppose I remember. You threw me over the side of the boat shortly after that...

...the fact that I can't swim put a slight damper on the situation...

Honen: So you do remember?
Nucleo: Yes. I guess
Honen: Those were some fun times, weren't they?
Nucleo: Oh...oh, I was thinking you might still be angry about that...
Honen: No. Those were times when I somehow felt...alive.
Nucleo: Well, I suppose the searing pain of a mountaindevil's canines can be a stark reminder.
Honen: Hah! But no, dat's not what I even mean...iz hard to explain. Hey! Why you not just fly away when I tossed you?
Nucleo: My wings weren't drawn in.
Honen: Oh, I see. I also see dat I somehow changed wardrobe between panels. And ze horn dat's on my hat was incorrectly placed on my head.
Nucleo: Unless it's a printing error, you also dyed your hair.
Honen: And iz it just me or did ze railing in ze background change?
FO: Okay, that's enough, you two, I get the point. I sucked at drawing back then and took shortcuts and had numerous continuity errors. In this case, they were partially due to the fact that I couldn't decide on a color scheme for Honen. Happy now? Continue on.
Nucleo: Great Skiva...a visit from the overlord.
Honen: You know, professor, I think we should battle again! You and I! Dat would be so much fun. Just like old times!
Nucleo: Uh, not right now. You're still not well.
Jack: Yeah, well I think he's faking it.
Nucleo: What? Jack, what are you doing in here?
Jack: Looking for my umbrella.
Nucleo: I didn't know you had an umbrella.
Jack: Pretend I do for the purposes of this sketch.
Honen: What you mean I'm faking it, you stupid little dragonchild?
Jack: I think you're faking being sick to get out of trouble for what happened to the west wing.
Honen: Why you little...Who even said I was sick? You think I need pity from magical-blooded creatures?
Jack: Yeah, well, maybe it was actually an injury, or depression, or something...but whatever it is it's as fake as your accent.
Honen: What you mean my accent iz fake??
Jack: You only accent certain words!
FO: If I phonetically typed every word the way Honen actually pronounces it, his dialogue would become unreadable. Use your imagination for the rest.
Honen: HA! Trumped by ze overlord!
Jack: Yeah, yeah, well, whatever. If either of you find my umbrella, please return it to me. It's very valuable to me because it's an heirloom that's been in my family for about 100 years. (There, my role in this predictable sketch is done.)
FO: Well, it wouldn't have been so predictable if you hadn't put it that way, smartypants.
Jack: Sue me.
FO: You ain't getting away that easily. Do your line over again.
Jack: *shrugs* Okay.

If either of you find my umbrella, please return it to me. It's very valuable to me because it's an heirloom that's been in my family...


FO: You and I are going to have a really long talk.
Nucleo: Well, anyway, I suppose I should be going now. Honen, if you need anything, just drop me a line.
Honen: Aye. Zis sketch iz going on much too long anyway.

Chester: Hey, mountaindude! How's it going?
Nucleo: Oh, Chester, hi. I was just on my way to teach a class. I stopped to check on Honen along the way. So, how's your little...problem coming along? Was Preston able to help?
Chester: Dude, unfortunately, no. But that's okay, because my new friend said he'll protect me from the eggplant's curse.
Nucleo: friend?
Chester: Yeah, he's a talking umbrella, and he says that he's going to go get all his friends and they'll cast a spell so that I won't turn into an eggplant. The only side effect is that there's a slight possibility I might turn into a carrot. But either way, I won't need Preston's help anymore.
Nucleo: Uh, yeah...look, Chester. Maybe you'd better not stop your treatments just yet, okay, fella? Just a thought. I have to go.
Chester: Hmm...dude. Wonder what made him suggest that. Oh well, come on troops! We have to find that missing eggplant and bring him to justice!

Jack: Was that punchline really worth one free usage of your trial-version animated gif program?
FO: Yes.
Jack: If you say so.




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