Pizza parlors are extremely popular in the area of Ohio where I live. It's not an exaggeration to say that there are more pizza joints per square mile in this town and surrounding suburbs than any other place I've been to in my life. An estimation off the top of my head concludes that I've eaten at no less than ten different kinds from both local parlors and national franchises.

Pizza and an Xbox: My nerd cred increases by 2!

And yet frozen pizzas still remain a hot commodity in grocery stores as most of them have an entire aisle adorned with pizzas of all varying sizes, flavors, and quality. Not least amongst them is one brand that claims right on its bright red square box to be America's best-selling frozen pizza - Totino's Party Pizza. Though I suspect that has more to do with its low price than its quality.

Totino's - The pizza that the entire Final Fantasy universe is willing to wage war over. (Photoshop by Ragey.)

Back when I was less health-conscious I used to buy Totino's Party Pizzas practically once a week as part of our weekly grocery routine. After all, they only cost a little over a dollar, and sometimes you could even get them for $1 during store sales. Who can resist pizza for a buck?

Being unable to eat pork due to an allergy that causes me to break out in all kinds of acne-related nastiness, I was left with only three choices when it comes to the Totino's brand: Plain Cheese, Hamburger, or Mexican. The Mexican was my favorite, but unfortunately, they discontinued it long ago. One advantage to the Plain Cheese variety is that you can put your own toppings on it (I'd sometimes buy Pennsylvania Dutch mushrooms for this purpose), but for today's review, I went with the Hamburger kind.

As you can see, right on the box it says "Do Not Microwave". However, I wrongfully assumed that frozen pizza would be microwaveable when I bought it (Totino's Pizza Rolls are), and gave no second thought to the fact that due to an ongoing home repair situation, my oven is temporarily out of commission and I don't own a toaster oven. Nevertheless, in the interest of getting this information out to the public, I forged on ahead with the microwave anyway. So, my crust won't be crispy. I can live with that.

Yeah, I never took the sticker off my microwave, so you can see exactly what type I have.

With no microwave instructions, I guessed about 5 minutes at 800 watts would be good enough.

Soon enough, I had a cheesy, melty mess on my hands. As I suspected, the crust didn't get crispy, but at least the cheese was nice and melted and the beef had been cooked. I suppose that eating it this way might be considered blasphemous because the box touts its "original crisp crust", but sometimes in life, you've gotta take a risk.

And it still cuts quite easily with my pizza roller.

Despite the fact that the crust was soft and chewy, the flavor was about the same as I had remembered it from years ago. The sauce has a weird tangy taste, and although they're not as good as the large, juicy beef chunks you would get from actual parlor pizza, the hamburger bits at least add a little extra to the flavor and "filling factor". The cheese is fairly standard: it's not bad, but not special either </Greg Kasavin>, and it's a little gooey (although part of that is because I microwaved it).

Overall, it's not completely terrible for a pizza that only costs about a dollar, but it's definitely on the lower end of store-bought brands. It's nowhere near on the divine level of the California Kitchen Barbecue Chicken Pizza, which is more costly, but I'd gladly purchase whenever I have a coupon for it. I've heard worse about the Totino's Pepperoni kind, but I can't verify that for myself because of my allergies.

BANNED!

One thing I have to dock some points for is the fact that the Hamburger type is essentially the same as the Mexican type, only without all the Mexican-style cheese and green peppers that overall gave that variety bigger bang for your hard-earned buck. Another issue is that I did have slight indigestion for awhile after eating the Hamburger pizza. In fact, it kind of lasted on until the following day, so I'm not exactly on the edge of my seat to get another one anytime soon.

Just to show that I didn't have a completely unhealthy dinner, here's my half-eaten party pizza alongside my half-eaten salad (and both were eventually consumed in their entirety).

Bonus Bear!

Our little teddy bear tabby, Pepper, couldn't resist the smell of the Totino's Party Pizza in the air! So, we offered her a bit of the hamburger. Would she accept?

Gladly!

Totino's Party Pizza: Prince-Approved!

Picture by Sweetbee. Check out his Metal Gear Solid fan art for more Totino's Party Pizza madness!