The internet never ceases to make me laugh. I get all sorts of spam at this site. Most of it I delete without even reading, so I don't know what made me read this one, but I'm glad I did, because it's utterly hilarious. I couldn't have come up with something like this, even if I had tried.

Email Adventure #3, March 9, 2011

"In an effort to cut out most if not all the random jokers/alt accounts, etc., and to ensure that new users who sign up to the forum take the entire thing with at least a certain modicum of seriousness, I am enacting the following changes to the forum rules. My initial idea was to require all new users to submit some kind of article or review, but then I thought that screening those would have taken up too much of my time, so I am going with a far simpler solution instead. So this is how it will be:

Whoever wants to maintain his account should sent $10 via PayPal by the end of March. On April 1st I will deactivate the accounts of everyone who has not done this. Make sure you make a note of your username in your payment ó failure to do this will result in your account being deactivated nevertheless, in which case you will have to send me another payment to reactivate it. If any of this is too hard to understand and you decide to email me about it, your account will be banned for ever, regardless of how much money you send me.

These are the steps you need to take to register a new account:

1. Register the account as usual

2. Send me the payment (noting the username the payment is for)

3. Wait for the account to be activated ó without emailing me (however long that might take)

If step 2 is not performed within 24 hours of step 1, the account will de deleted."

The email rambles on (maniacally) for a few more paragraphs after this, but you get the idea. So...Am I understanding this correctly? Some guy wants me to send him money to keep people from making jokes on his board? And he sends this to... a comedy writer? That would be like if I saw a building on fire and decided to call John Orr.

I honestly can't figure out if this email is for real, or if it's some prankster's creative way of telling me that he doesn't find me funny. Or maybe it means that Steven Wright, Conan O'Brien, Chris Rock, Ellen DeGeneres, Lewis Black, and the ghosts of Richard Pryor, George Carlin, and Mitch Hedberg have joined forces to conquer his forum. (C'mon, who didn't see that coming?)

"RARRRRGH! I will destroy your forums with my powers of comedic timing! RAWRRR!"

What I love the most is that if I don't pony up or if I question why I'm receiving such an email, or even ask who this person is, where this mysterious forum is located, or anything else about this truly bizarre situation, I'll be...what? Banned? From a board I've never even been to? Oh, my stars!! I mean, look at how many times he stresses not to email him back. I don't even know this person. It's funny, but rather disturbing at the same time.

"What?! I've been banned?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Seriously, what the hell?? Can you imagine if I ran Port Saiid like this? Actually, this would be a really awesome way to con lamers. I already had to ban two nutjobs so far this year (a re-reg of a past banned user and a person who, and I swear I am NOT making this up, embarked on a serious crusade to eliminate the words "crazy" and "insane" from our vocabulary). Instead of just telling them straight up why they were banned, I would have loved for it to have gone down like this:

Lamer: "Why am I banned?"

Me: "Well, it's a new policy, you see, I'm banning everyone until they send me $10."

Lamer: "Okay, so why am I still banned?"

Me: "Well, uh, you see, your name wasn't on the email. So, you have to send me another $10."

Lamer: "But my name was on the email! My name is automatically on every email I send out!"

Me: "Well, I didn't see it. And just for emailing me about this, you'll have to send me your entire Paypal account balance."

Considering how persistent some lamers are, I could make millions!

Actual photograph of the forum visitors

So, let's review: A guy with no sense of humor, who likes banning people, and has an obsession with money... Hmm... Oh, wait a minute! I think I know who sent me this email!

Well, there you go. Thanks, but no thanks, Mr. Spacely. I have no interest in your board and no interest in paying you to keep it from being overtaken by Jerry Seinfeld. I will, however, wish you luck in your War On Laughter, even though, ironically, you gave me quite a few lols in the process.

Comments from the RAU Gallery:
Chance: Of all sites to accost with an email like that. Good luck, fella. I've been trying to get these people to act more seriously for years.
Christopher: I think if someone doesn't want me to make jokes, they should pay me $10 to refrain, not the other way around.
Jack: I seriously will if you can go this whole sketch without making one.
Christopher: Dude. You're on!
Sesa: I honestly can't blame the guy for not wanting jokes on his forum. The average modern internet prankster doesn't really know how to be funny.
Christopher: But what does his troll problem have to do with us and why should we send him money for it?
Jack: Ah-HA! See!? I knew you couldn't do it! That's $10, I'll take it in cash, any way you wanna split it.
Christopher: Uh-wha? That wasn't a joke. That was a legitimate question.
Jack: You don't ask serious questions.
Christopher: I am perfectly capable of being serious when I want to be. And besides, nobody laughed at it. If it was a joke, then somebody would have laughed.
Jack: My cousin did.
Christopher: Who?
Jack: My cousin, Charlie. I think he just got back from that dude's forum...
Charlie Sheen: I have defeated this earthworm with my words. Imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists!
Jack: Aw, dammit, Charlie! Are you the reason they had to ban all comedians and ask for donations? To clean up the mess? Not again, Cuz.
Charlie Sheen: I think my passion is misinterpreted as anger sometimes. And I don't think people are ready for the message that I'm delivering, and delivering with a sense of violent love!
Chance: ...Wait a minute? Charlie Sheen is your cousin? How is that even possible?
Jack: You never noticed that we have the same last name?
Sesa: But you're a dragon and he's a human.
Charlie Sheen: I have a different constitution. I have a different brain. I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man!
Jack: Yeah, hear that? We have tiger blood!
Sesa: Then shouldn't you both be... tigers?
Charlie Sheen: You can't process me with a normal brain.
Christopher: I don't have a normal brain and I can't process you, either.
Charlie Sheen: You have the right to kill me, but you don't have the right to judge me. That's life. There's nobility in that. There's focus. It's genuine. It's crystal and it's pure and it's available to everybody, so just shut your traps and put down your McDonalds, your vaccines, your US Weekly, your TMZ and the rest of it.
Christopher: But I always like to read US Weekly and watch TMZ while getting my vaccines at McDonald's.
Chance: Oh for crying out... Somebody get Robin out here to do the Greatest Hits thing so we get off this train.
Robin: Sorry, Chance. I just gone done putting it together.
Sesa: What fortunate soul have you beckoned this time?
Robin: Thought there'd be no better choice for this situation than one of the best comedy writers to have a website hosted on the domain and to have had his own past misadventures with Charlie Sheen. Do your thing, Gordon!

Sweetbee's Greatest Hits

(If you'd like to set this to music, click above.)

Actual Sweetbee's Game Hive Search Strings

Christopher: That guy's had an interesting marriage history, that's for sure.
Jack: By now, you owe me like 50 bucks for this sketch, man.
Christopher: I haven't cracked a single joke yet. Everything I've said are facts.
Jack: Well, I think my cousin disagrees with you. Right, Charlie?
Charlie Sheen: Boom, crush. Night, losers. Winning, duh.
Christopher: I guess I'm so talented at being funny I don't even have to try. But is the world truly ready for such an incredibly powerful strain of witticism?
Charlie Sheen: What they're not ready for is guys like you and I and Jack and all the other gnarly gnarlingtons in my life, that we are high priests, Vatican assassin warlocks. Boom. Print that, people. See where that goes.
Christopher: Awesome! Let's go supe de coup so it don't go all Jackson Browne downtown while we catch 12 and cheese at the Tastee Freez!
Charlie Sheen: Winning, anyone? Rhymes with winning. Anyone? Yeah, that would be us. Sorry, man, didnít make the rules. Oops!
Christopher: Woo-hoo! Later, taters! Fit that in your shorts, 'cause mums 'n sons the word, dog!
Charlie Sheen: I am on a drug. It's called the RAU!
Jack: Wait, what? Charlie! Where are you going? What the hell...?
Chance: I think you just got ditched for someone who speaks his own language.
Jack: No kidding. What did Paladin say that was so overpowering?
Sesa: He said he was going to put gas in the car so they go can go get some hot dogs and cheese fries, and then later attend a Mumford & Sons concert, with Marmaduke...or Clifford...or somebody.
Jack: Damn, man. How do you interpret that shit?
Sesa: I was stranded in the desert with Christopher for a few weeks back during the Great Elemental Wars. If I hadn't learned to understand him, I wouldn't be alive now.
Jack: Dude, I feel your pain.
Sesa: You have no idea.

I used to think maybe you loved me, now baby I'm sure. And I just can't wait till the day when you knock on my door. Now every time I go for the mailbox, gotta hold myself down. 'Cause I just can't wait till you write me you're coming around...




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