The internet never ceases to make me laugh. I get all sorts of spam at this site. Most of it I delete without even reading, so I don't know what made me read this one, but I'm glad I did, because it's utterly hilarious. I couldn't have come up with something like this, even if I had tried.

"In an effort to cut out most if not all the random jokers/alt accounts, etc., and to ensure that new users who sign up to the forum take the entire thing with at least a certain modicum of seriousness, I am enacting the following changes to the forum rules. My initial idea was to require all new users to submit some kind of article or review, but then I thought that screening those would have taken up too much of my time, so I am going with a far simpler solution instead. So this is how it will be:

CURRENT USERS*
Whoever wants to maintain his account should sent $10 via PayPal by the end of March. On April 1st I will deactivate the accounts of everyone who has not done this. Make sure you make a note of your username in your payment — failure to do this will result in your account being deactivated nevertheless, in which case you will have to send me another payment to reactivate it. If any of this is too hard to understand and you decide to email me about it, your account will be banned for ever, regardless of how much money you send me.

NEW USERS
These are the steps you need to take to register a new account:

1. Register the account as usual

2. Send me the payment (noting the username the payment is for)

3. Wait for the account to be activated — without emailing me (however long that might take)

If step 2 is not performed within 24 hours of step 1, the account will de deleted."

The email rambles on (maniacally) for a few more paragraphs after this, but you get the idea. So...Am I understanding this correctly? Some guy wants me to send him money to keep people from making jokes on his board? And he sends this to... a comedy writer? That would be like if I saw a building on fire and decided to call John Orr.

I honestly can't figure out if this email is for real, or if it's some prankster's creative way of telling me that he doesn't find me funny. Or maybe it means that Steven Wright, Conan O'Brien, Chris Rock, Ellen DeGeneres, Lewis Black, and the ghosts of Richard Pryor, George Carlin, and Mitch Hedberg have joined forces to conquer his forum. (C'mon, who didn't see that coming?)

"RARRRRGH! I will destroy your forums with my powers of comedic timing! RAWRRR!"

What I love the most is that if I don't pony up or if I question why I'm receiving such an email, or even ask who this person is, where this mysterious forum is located, or anything else about this truly bizarre situation, I'll be...what? Banned? From a board I've never even been to? Oh, my stars!! I mean, look at how many times he stresses not to email him back. I don't even know this person. It's funny, but rather disturbing at the same time.

"What?! I've been banned?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Seriously, what the hell?? Can you imagine if I ran Port Saiid like this? Actually, this would be a really awesome way to con lamers. I already had to ban two nutjobs so far this year (a re-reg of a past banned user and a person who, and I swear I am NOT making this up, embarked on a serious crusade to eliminate the words "crazy" and "insane" from our vocabulary). Instead of just telling them straight up why they were banned, I would have loved for it to have gone down like this:

Lamer: "Why am I banned?"

Me: "Well, it's a new policy, you see, I'm banning everyone until they send me $10."

Lamer: "Okay, so why am I still banned?"

Me: "Well, uh, you see, your name wasn't on the email. So, you have to send me another $10."

Lamer: "But my name was on the email! My name is automatically on every email I send out!"

Me: "Well, I didn't see it. And just for emailing me about this, you'll have to send me your entire Paypal account balance."

Considering how persistent some lamers are, I could make millions!

Actual photograph of the forum visitors

So, let's review: A guy with no sense of humor, who likes banning people, and has an obsession with money... Hmm... Oh, wait a minute! I think I know who sent me this email!

Well, there you go. Thanks, but no thanks, Mr. Spacely. I have no interest in your board and no interest in paying you to keep it from being overtaken by Jerry Seinfeld. I will, however, wish you luck in your War On Laughter, even though, ironically, you gave me quite a few lols in the process.