Awhile ago, I found out people were linking various portions of my site around StumbleUpon. I got my friends to post a bunch of prank reviews under one of the entries, as such:

Site Tracking Adventure #10, January 24, 2009

And because they did such a fine job, I was going to let it go and not do a Site Tracking Adventure, but then something happened that was too good to waste.

First of all, StumbleUpon uses the word "review" more loosely than any other site on the entire internet, and remember that I've seen ReviewPlanet, which looks like the work of geniuses in comparison.

StumbleUpon's reviews amount to worthless internet memes and one-liners that are either vague criticisms, seemingly written by vapid, soulless people, or they're meaningless praise. How far do you suppose Roger Ebert would have gotten in his career if every one of his reviews was "This movie is win!" or "This movie is fail!"?

Because my dear Port Saiid/DHN hooligans already did such a great prank job, I was just going to let this slide, but then it was pointed out to me that one of the reviewers I had responded to personally turned tail and deleted his review:

This was my response to him. Yes, he actually claimed that I robbed him. His review disappeared sometime after I noticed a bunch of search strings in my tracker related to "site tracking adventures". Coincidence? Probably not. I think this guy found out about this part of the site and quickly deleted his review to try to save face.

But it gets even better. Yessirree, it does.

Take a look at Mr. Peterenton's comment. Sometime after I noticed his comment at StumbleUpon, I made this topic at the DHN forums explicitly stating exactly how I felt about StumbleUpon. Here's a screencap of the first post:

Now, when I said "vapid teenagers" and "generic anime avatars", I was basing that directly on Mr. Peterenton. He had a generic anime girl face for his avatar and his age in his profile was either 16 or 18, I cannot remember exactly which, but I know it was one of those. Now, shortly after starting this topic at DHN, he changed his picture to (presumably) a photo of himself and his age to 21. Is it coincidence, or did he see the topic at DHN? Hold on, it gets better...

Here's an observation one of my friends made about the "favorite sites" Mr. Peterenton had listed in his SU profile. But if you go to his favorites now, you'll not find either site that James had mentioned anymore. Again, coincidence? Or did he see this topic and make some hasty changes? It sure does seem like he's deleting evidence so that people won't know it's him we're talking about. But, seriously, how dumb is this idiot? We know what we saw and we can just make more posts pointing out that he changed things. If he REALLY wanted to avoid humiliation, he should have just deleted his review the way ToneLeMoan did.

Other reasons StumbleUpon sucks:

1. The site design is atrocious and confusing. I already made a post explaining all this here:

2. The system is invasive and immediately makes your private information available in your public profile, WITHOUT permission and WITHOUT warning you beforehand. Here's another post where I mentioned all of this:

3. They blatantly lie about the number of users they have. They claim it's over 6 million, but if their own Wikipedia article can be trusted, they've never gotten anywhere close to that many:

Although the number of registered user has been growing steadily, the number of visitors has declined from 4.4 million to 1.3 million between July 2007 and July 2008.

And for more evidence that some SU goon is reading the DHN topic, I actually posted about that here:

And then someone went and edited the Wikipedia article to say that they have over 6 million users! But here comes the REALLY good part... They FAILED to remove the paragraph about the 4.4 million users, so the article now contains conflicting information. Since I know some 'tard is gonna go edit it after they see this article, here's a screencap for proof:

So there you have it.

My site may not be perfect, but I can say with no ego that it's provided a lot more wealth of content and insight to this wasteland we call "the internet" than a linkfarm like StumbleUpon. So when driving down the information superhighway of life, remember to just say F-U to S-U.

Comments from the RAU Gallery:
Jack: Never ceases to amaze me how sites like that so often bite the hands that feed them. Without sites like this one that have real content, they'd have nothing to link to and would have no reason to exist.
Sesa: Critics can serve a purpose, Jack, but the problem in this situation is that the criticism is meaningless. Random Stumblers do not give any indication of what their credentials for reviewing are, and their critiques can't be used for improvement because they're too vague. When someone is so close-minded that he says nothing could ever meet his expectations, then it's a sure sign that his judgments are not based in any recognizable standards.
Jack: Yeah, yeah, I knew all that. I was just testing you.
Sesa: Heh. Wasn't much of a test, Jack. Now that advanced trigonomotry exam I had last semester...
Jack: I sometimes wish we could just do another normal sketch instead of all these retaliations against morons.
Sesa: Look at the bright side. At least it's not like the last time we were invaded by the internet.
Jack: Oh yeah, how could I forget?

2 Weeks Ago, 12:30 AM
Grimmora University

Jack: What-wha-wha-wha-WHAT??! Has the containment unit been breached?? Oh wait, wrong cartoon... Um... WTF is going on??
Chester: Dude! Beats me. I was just having this bodacious dream about how I transformed into this futuristic law enforcement cyborg that could bullseye targets at 30 yards by shooting peas out of my nose. I was racking up some major points at the firing range before it fell off and...
Jack: That's great, Chet, but really, why is the alarm going off in the middle of the night? (Why does a school even have an alarm, for that matter?)
Talon: Got me, Jack. Where is everyone? Chance? Cory?
Cory: Right here, Talon.
Nucleo: Cory! Jack! Talon! Get to the basement! We're under attack!
Cory: Dad! Are you serious?!
Nucleo: Absolutely serious! Now take cover and let us adults handle this.
Talon: Handle what? What's going on, Professor McRaven?
Christopher: We're being attacked by... A WALL OF TEXT!!!
Jack: Ah, GEEZ!! Not another one of those! That's like the third one this week.
Nucleo: Christopher, get the kids to the basement. I've gotta go help Chance and the others take care of this. Chet, come with me.
Christopher: Aye, aye, Cap'n!
Chester: Right behind you, mountaindude.

At the Staircase to the Upper Tower
Nucleo: Sesa! Report!
Sesa: I wouldn't go up there, Nucleo, it's not a pretty sight.
Nucleo: Is Chance up there?
Sesa: Yeah, he's holding it off, along with Preston, Deuce, and Honen. They've gotta stall it until Lizaki has the GTE ready.
Nucleo: Out of my way, then.
Sesa: Hey, whoah! Careful, Professor. According to my calculations, the Wall of Text is growing at an exponential rate. It won't be long before it engulfs the entire tower and we lose all our punctuation marks.
Nucleo: Save it, Markino. Our friends are up there, and I'm not going to stand idly by while their dialogue is reduced to run-on sentences.
Chester: Dude, me neither.
Robin: Right! We're in this together.
Sesa: Robin? Chester? Okay, but I'm coming up there with you.

Tower Rooftop
Preston: Great Seventh Circle of Ellisondo! My light shield isn't going to hold this thing off forever.
Chance: Give it a rest, Preston. We'll take care of it.
Preston: *Wheeze*... okay... *huff*... I'm going to cease spellcasting in 5... 4... 3.. 2.. 1... Gah!
Honen: Sacrebleu!
Deuce: Holy shit!
Chance: Brace yourselves, everyone. Here it comes!
Preston: Great Leohtiss's Ghost... *cough*
Deuce: Look at the size of that thing.
Honen: Ze biggest wall of text we've seen yet! But iz still no match for Dr. Calzoun's proto-cannon. READY! AIM! FIRE!!

FOOOOOOM!!! *BLAT!* ~fizzle~
Chance: You were saying, Honen?
Honen: Gah-huh! *Huff* Well... it worked in rehearsals...
Nucleo: HONEN!!! DEUCE!!! Get away from that thing, you're too close!!
Deuce: ACK!! Nucleo! It's got ahold of my leg... It's... too late! Get out of here and seal the door until Lizaki can get that GTE up here, stat!
Honen: Rosalyn!! Hey!!
Deuce: Honen! Go with them!
Honen: I am not allowing some John Q. Internet with broken shift key to turn you into Web 2.0 zombie, und furthermore... aye, yai, yai... I not feel so good all of sudden...
Deuce: Honen!! Dammit!! Chance, Nucleo, Preston! It's got me and Honen.
Nucleo: Deuce... I can't use my magic on it, you two are in the way.
Deuce: Just go! The GTE will take care of it. Do what you have to... oh my... im feeling kind of funny.
Preston: Right. We're leaving, Ms. Koma. Hang tough, we'll be back for you and Dr. Calzoun.

Nucleo: Sesa, how long do you suppose they can survive inside that thing before their minds turn to mush?
Sesa: About 17 minutes, Professor.
Robin: And how much longer before Lizaki and Samantha get the GTE up and running?
Sesa: About 30 minutes, Robin.
Nucleo: Dammit!
Chance: Shit! Why isn't it working in the first place? What good is equipment designed for this kind of emergency if it takes so long to get running?
Sesa: Normally, there would be no delay. But this time, we didn't realize until we tried starting it up that Kiini had eaten several vital components off of it.
Chance: *smacks forehead* Crimony!
Chester: Well, that settles it. I'm going back up there!
Robin: Chet, get real! There's nothing you can do against that thing.
Chester: I am not going to sit here and allow that errant post to devour our little dude friends. Er... little dude and little woman-dude friends. I mean, dammit! Here goes nothing!
Robin: CHESTER!!

Deuce: honen.
Honen: yes, rosalyn?
Deuce: i want you to know that if we dont get out of this alive... i used to have better grammar than this.
Honen: i know that. strangely, the effects have probably made me easier to understand.
Deuce: that wasnt really what i meant to say. what i really wanted to say was...
Deuce: dammit, chester! i was about to spill my heart and soul to honen in hopes that he'd do the same for me in return.
Honen: you were about to do what?
Deuce: you know! this is one of those moments when we think we're about to die so i tell you how i really feel about you and you say how you really feel about me.
Honen: youve been watching too many j michael straczynski cartoons.
Deuce: have not!!
Chester: Hey, do you guys even need my help?
Deuce: NO!! besides. the wall of text is still bigger than you anyway.
Chester: Oh. Yeah. I guess you're right. Like, whoahhhh, HEY!! PUT ME DOWN!!
Deuce: oh, fuck, this is just great. now its got him, too.
Honen: as if mr. hallet's speech impediments couldnt get any worse.
Deuce: you know, we've been amazingly resistant to this things effects so far. our capitalization hasnt been up to speed but our minds still seem to be intact.
Honen: probably because we have very high iqs. takes awhile to whittle it all away. but mr. hallet on the other hand...
Chester: although we've seen nintendos chubby little plumber and his lanky cohort for over two decades, the gaming industry can't seem to get enough of mario and luigi. mario has done everything, and been everywhere. fans scream for the next installment of true mario gameplay while being treated to a plethora of spin-offs. mario baseball, mario strikers, ddr mario mix, and more than a six-pack of parties. needless to say hes done it all. but taking a step back to the 80s when gaming was just emerging as the cultural force it has since become, the Mario franchise changed the way people played games forever; and with that momentum came a slew of shameless merchandising opportunities - exhibit a being the super mario bros super show
Deuce: Great lords of darlos, he's quoting ign. i dont think i can take this. their reviews are always a three-page minimum. honen, try to get a little closer to me. i need to get something off of you.
Honen: what?
Deuce: your belt.
Honen: its no time to be trying to get into my pants, rosalyn.
Deuce: no, i'm going to put it around his mouth.

Preston: I really hate to say this but we can't afford to wait until the GTE is ready. We have to rescue our friends from that thing. It's only a matter of time before it busts through the hatch anyway.
Sesa: And at the rate it's growing, it'll be through there in about 1 minute, 48 seconds.
Robin: Right. Any suggestions?
Chance: I hear Nevada's nice this time of year.
Chance: It was just an idea.
Jack: I have a better one.
Nucleo: Jack! I thought I told you to stay in the basement.
Jack: Fuck that noise, 'Cleo. You need our help.
Cory: Yes, we know how to significantly reduce that thing's power. We realized the answer when were discussing it in the basement.
Nucleo: Cory! I thought I said to... oh, alright, I'm listening.
Talon: People who make walls of text like that are never very bright. But no matter how intelligent you are, arguing with them does no good. You'll just make yourself into the straight man in a late-night comedy sketch.
Jack: So, what WE figured out is that you have to find the most completely random and inoffensive thing possible. That's what usually upsets these types.
Cory: And if we upset it enough, it will lose its concentration and start crumbling ~ hopefully enough to let Chester, Deuce, and Honen free.
Robin: Sounds like a good plan, guys... But what do you suppose will anger it?
Cory: Mom's bringing it up here right now, Robin.
Chance: What the hell..? Was that Calico King?
Image: Not quite, Chance. Prepare to open the hatch.
Nucleo: Im, but, dear...there's a thing up there... I don't think you realize...
Image: Open it, Snugglemuffin.
Nucleo: ...

Chester: alouette, gentille alouette, alouette je te plumerai. alouette, gentille alouette, alouette je te plumerai, je te plumerai la tete, je te plumerai la tete, et la tte, et la tete, alouette, alouette, o-o-o-o-oh
Honen: since when is he better at speaking french than i am?
Deuce: hold tight. i've almost got the belt around him... there! that should keep him quiet for awhile.
Honen: i thought you said he'd be quiet.
Deuce: that wasnt him...
Image: Don't worry, guys! Here it comes!
Deuce: What???

Image: The best way to fight a giant wall of text is with a giant ball of fluff, I always say.
Deuce: Jambalaya, it's working!!
Honen: I'm free! Rosalyn, are you okay?
Deuce: Yeah. Peachy. That should've weakened it enough for our bazookas to work. Fire at will!
Chester: Mmmph! Hrmmph! Whoah, dudes! Lemme get out of the way first! How'd this belt get on my face! Damn, whoah.
Honen: Outta ze way, hillbilly!! 3...2...1... FIRE!!

Image: It fell off the tower!
Deuce: It's in the courtyard. Let's go after it and finish it off.
Lizaki: Stand back, compadres! The Giant Topic Eraser (GTE) is ready to go! It'll clean up what's left of that wordbarf.

ZOOOOOOOOOM!!!! *splut*
Jack: Woo-hoo! Screwball in the side pocket!
Samantha: That'll teach'em to flood our forum.
Chester: Dudes! That was totally awesome.
Robin: Chet! Are you okay?
Chester: Oh yeah, hi, Robin. I'm fine.
Cory: What do you think, Amadeus? Are you proud of me?
Nucleo: Yes, of course. I always am, Cory.
Sesa: Hey, why don't we all celebrate at the juice bar. First round of drinks is all free.
Chance: Sounds great, Sesa, but we need to end this sketch first.
Preston: How do you suggest we end it?
Christopher: How about more pictures set to the lyrics of a song exclusive to this site? Once again, these lyrics were transcribed by the Overlord and if they appear anywhere else afterwards, you know they got them from us. Roll it, Gordon!


Tell me where on this earth can I stand
Just an ordinary man in this storm of confusion?

Sooner or later, no debate,
You're on the ice and in the hands of fate.

Way out in space, lost in flight,
Like an arrow in the night, just fly on 'til you lose us

Beyond the point of no return,
You can never cross the bridges that you burn

So, tell me what do you say when all is said and done?
I can see it in your eyes, there's thunder in the sun
Where do you sleep forever on the run?

Love may come a stranger to you and I
Deliver us from this danger, it's do or die
Any fool can see it as they walk on by

I'm leaving the lights on
Vacant possession...vacant possession

Time rushes by like the wind and it leaves us standing here
In this room full of memories

And as I watch the snowflakes fall,
Your love turns cold like a shadow on the wall

Night after night in this room,
I feel the walls are closing in
They just squeeze my existence

Neither you nor I design,
The bullet cuts the joker every time

So, tell me what do you say when all is said and done?
I can see it in your eyes, there's thunder in the sun
Where do you sleep forever on the run?

Love may come a stranger to you and I
Deliver us from this danger, it's do or die
Any fool can see it as they walk on by

I'm leaving the lights on,
Vacant possession

I'm ready to land, but I cannot see the lights
I wanna bring it in, and I'm tired of this endless flight
So oh, help me like a pilot in the night

Love may come a stranger to you and I
Deliver us from this danger, it's do or die
Any fool can see it as they walk on by

I'm leaving the lights on,
Vacant possession

Love may come a stranger to you and I
Deliver us from this danger, it's do or die
Any fool can see it as they walk on by

I'm leaving the lights on,
Vacant possession...vacant possession

Lyrics and music by Keith Emerson, Greg Lake, and Cozy Powell
Transcribed by Flying Omelette





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