Email Adventure #2: August 9, 2008

"I read the review you did on two crude dudes and needless to say this email is about that Well to start off you must be a 14 year old thinking he's cool playing retro games or something because you obviously suck at older games c'mon man cant hit three enemies coming at you it's called a jump kick dumb ass and the grab is in the a+b+c controls because it's a primary button its an attack not just for show! oh and the werewolf dude to beat him with out turbo and losing shit tons of lives its easy jump to the top platform let him come closer and grab him and throw him!

I use to work with data east during the genesis year and this is one of the games i had the honor of working on but your review sucked balls if this game was that difficult for you you really shouldn't write reviews face it your a new age gamer who simply sucks at good games from the early 90's! stick to pokeman and gta those games will be easier for you!" - jordan yochum

Once again, we have a reader who has failed to do his customary lurking around a site and community that is over 10 years old. That means, according to Mr. Yochum's math, I was 4 when I started this site. Holy fuck, I'm the internet's version of Mozart!! Oh, yes, and Mr. Yochum appears to be yet another person who has never seen or heard of the opposite sex.

I find it extremely difficult to believe that the convenience of how well using the turbo button in Two Crude Dudes takes care of that third enemy to be coincidence. I think those programmers knew what they were doing, but let's stop for a moment...You're defending a game for being easier than what I said it was? Fuck, man, you didn't just not lurk, you didn't even read the most recent updates.

What challenging games have you completed? Alundra? Alundra 2? Equinox? Street Fighter 2010? Ninja Gaiden? Zanac? Might & Magic? Castlevania 3's hardest path? Do you think it's impossible to get past the final part of Stage 2 in Battletoads, or did you figure out the trick that makes it extremely easy? Do you think Contra is impossible without the 30-life code? I'll bet your answer to all of these questions is "No", except the last one, which is "yes". Funny, because my answers are the opposite.

But let's forget about challenge for a moment and address the issue of whether or not Two Crude Dudes is one of the best games of the 90's. What games came before it that redefined excellence in videogame level design and artistry? Ninja Gaiden, Castlevania 3, Super Mario Bros. 3. Two Crude Dudes is not half the game those are. It's not even close. Hell, it's not even a TMNT IV or a Ninja Warriors as far as beat-em-ups go. It's another run-of-the-mill title for its genre, with sloppy controls, no level design, forgettable music, bland graphics, a concept that goes nowhere, and it's supposed to be a parody but isn't even as funny as its predecessor, Bad Dudes.

Mr. Yochum, perhaps it's your lack of punctuation, your questionable mathematical skills, or the fact that you call it "the genesis year" (the Genesis was only around for one year? Wow!), but you'll forgive me when I say I don't believe for one-tenth of a nanosecond that you ever worked for Data East. In fact, I doubt you were even alive when that game was made, and you are nothing but a romwhore and a poser.

But let's just say that maybe there's a possibility you did work for Data East. I was once involved in a message board poll at (what was at the time) the largest videogame community on Ezboard. One of the questions in the poll was:

"If Data East and Eidos Interactive made a bet to see who could make the worst game, who would win?"

Yes, Data East was SO notorious for making bad games, that they got chosen for that question. Though Eidos won, no one in that poll came to Data East's defense. Why? Because those people were intelligent enough to know that their games were mostly shit. Being a lover of classic gaming does not mean loving everything that's put on a plate in front of you that happens to be 2D or old. If you really are from Data East, then you owe a huge apology to anyone who ever wasted time or money on your games. In fact, your projected intelligence level could explain a lot about why they were so bad.

Comments from the RAU Gallery:
Taura: Aren't Data East the ones responsible for the NES version of Ring King?!?
Lukyan: I'll bet the between-round BJ's were his idea.
Lizaki: His idea? Heck, man, he posed for the shot.
Lukyan: Seriously?
Lizaki: Yeah. I did some side work as a photographer back in the early 80's for some extra token. I'm pretty sure that's him on the left:

Lukyan: Dude. Phil is getting filled.
Taura: Elevator going down.
Robin: Allright guys, are you done with the sketch now?
Taura: Yeah, I suppose, Robin. You can take it from here.
Lizaki: Got another one of those forum post collections? Who is it this time?
Robin: You'll see. Roll camera, Gordon!

Lord Vyce's Greatest Hits

(If you'd like to set this to music, click above.)

Taura: That was great, Robin! You must do more.
Robin: To be honest, I wasn't expecting to do another one so soon after the last one. It may be selfish to think this way, but I'm glad I got the chance.
Taura: Aw, you're not selfish, Robin. You're the most generous person I know.
Robin: Thanks!
Lizaki: Thanks to that I've got a new phrase to add to my collection - Goalmouth Seborrhea!
Lukyan: You collect phrases?
Lizaki: Since 1983, man.
Lukyan: Smokin'.
Note: Ring King animated gif lovingly swiped from OSG (a REAL oldschool gamer, unlike Mr. Yochum).




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