Nonsense War

Lizaki: Okay, time to see if this works. There should now be more space between my dialogue and your dialogue. Say something, ma' desert-elf man!
Preston: Well, that's getting somewhere, Lizaki, but it's a little too much space now. I feel like I'm shouting at you from across the room.
Lizaki: Badda-bing, badda-bang! Halved it.
Preston: Eh, still too far apart for my liking, but it's getting there.
Lizaki: Booyah!
Preston: Oh, that seems just about perfect.
Lizaki: Not quite. We have to test it to be sure, so that means one of us will have to ramble on until we fill up a whole table row of space.
Preston: We could go get Crow and ask him to give us a lecture.
Lizaki: But how can we tell if it works if we're both put to sleep?
Preston: Point taken. I just can't think of anything to say right now.
Lizaki: Neither can I. But never fear! That's what The Nonsense Shrine is for! After you, my good man!
Preston: Oh, no, Zyrconians first, I insist.
Lizaki: Well, okay. *ahem* (In fake British accent): "I stepped in a puddle of turtle wax, and fell backwards onto a black and decker toaster oven that was speeding down highway 90 in a margarine container. The cop pulled over the yellow-crested bazooka, and shot a donut at Henry Winkler. I rode a hot dog back to town and crashed into a speeding vat of lettuce, so the turnip gave me a ticket to the yogurt factory, where I stumbled over eight Russian ice dancers, and a set of Tiddlywinks shot from the potato skins and exploded on contact with the cheesemold. "
Preston: Bravo, good chap! You made it! And the tables are definitely more readable now. Oh, I have to try one of these. Wait, here goes..."It all started when the kangaroo rats ate my slippers right out from under the linoleum floor tiles, as the Tylenol capsules and the guy from Roto-Rooter kicked back in my Lay-Z-Boy recliner and launched the gerbil cage to the moon, where it landed on Monica Lewinsky and broke the dining room table. I opened up the walnut and found a note from Barbara Bush, telling me to fork over 280 toenail clippers, or never see my bubblebath again! I grabbed the door on the kitchen cabinet and flung it out the window, but the pigeons burped at the speed of light, and an egg landed on Jimmy Carter's toothbrush." ...Who's Jimmy Carter?
Lizaki: Beats me, but this is fun! "Will you kindly Lick the steak off my scanner, I need to Dance like Brittany Spears tonight at the Untied right handed, one legged, 4 toothed sailor convention. But I can't get the Carpet off my windshield, and I heard on ESPN that it's going to be snowing rain drops tonight inside my Closet!?"
Preston: "I am Troy! Lord of all Light Fixtures! I am your father! Your mother, your son-in-law, your preacher, your long-distance carrier. I am your garderner, your ISP, your dentist, your lawyer, your conscience, your lunch on Tuesdays. I am Phil Donahue, Larry Sanders, Dionne Warwick, Homer Simpson. I am the Terror that flaps in the night. I am Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Pocahontas. I am the Walrus, the Flamingo, the Giraffe, the Frilled Lizard. I am peanut butter. I am jelly. I am soup. I am salad. I am the WaLnuT! 0o"
Lizaki: "NO! NO! NOOO!!! IT IS THE LAWNMOWERS, I TELL YOU!! IT IS THE LAWNMOWERS WHO ARE STEALING THE WALKERS AND THE STINKY FISH'S SOCKS!!! MAN THE SUBWAY SANDWICHES!! WE ARE ALL GOING DOWWWWWNNNNNNNNNnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn........."
Aurora: What in bloody hell be goin' on here, lads?!
Lizaki: GAH!
Preston: Aurora! Um, uh...gee, we were just...uhm...we were just...
Lizaki: We were just fixing the tables, Aurora. It would seem that in certain browsers on certain resolutions there was not enough space between our paragraphs, which made our dialogue somewhat difficult to read.
Aurora: Well, just be keepin' it down now, lads. No need to set the whole place ablazin' with rumors from two grown men yammerin' on about bein' attacked by lawnmowers and Jimmy Carter. You hear?
Lizaki: Sure. No problem, ma'am. We're pretty much done anyway.
Preston: Hai....
Aurora: What's that, Preston? You be lookin' a little flushed, dear...
Lizaki: Oh, he's allright. You just caught us offguard, 'tis all.
Aurora: Hmmm...okay, then. And your tables be lookin' pretty nice there, lads. I'll see ye later.
Lizaki: Later, Aurora...

Hey, Abirok...are you okay? Did making those Troy eyeballs really embarrass you that much?

Preston: I just declared I was the "Lord of All Light Fixtures" and "Phil Donahue" in front of my mentor...
Lizaki: Well, it could've been worse. You didn't recite any of Puddmann's posts.
Preston: True. I need to inquire with FO about getting a more appropriate picture. I think this one's starting to make me act 17 again.
Lizaki: It's getting hard to tell how old anyone around here is supposed to be. But maybe it's harder for me anyway since everyone on my home world looks like an iguana.

*beep* *beep*

Is that me or you?

Preston: You. I think you're being paged.
Samantha: Lizaki, Preston, it's me, Samantha. I'm up in the lab and I think I'm going to need your assistance. Tomi, Kiini, and I were about halfway to getting the moonbuggy running when Kiini ate the two back wheels off of it. Tomi got so angry about it that he burst into flames again. By the way, did I hear we were under attack by Subway sandwiches?
Lizaki: Uh, I'll be right up there, Sam. Just tell Tomi to stop, drop, and roll, okay?
Samantha: Does that really work?
Lizaki: "Duck and cover" worked for the students when the west wing blew up.
Samantha: Well, I'll be damned. I guess cartoon logic does have some basis in reality after all.
Lizaki: Just don't stand in the middle of a lightning storm with rubber shoes. We still haven't proven that one works yet.
Samantha: In any case, get up here as soon as possible, okay, fellas?
Lizaki: Sure! Coming right up!

*thwoomp!*

Preston: It'll take me a few more minutes to get there, Samantha. I can't go through the air ducts like he does.
Samantha: That's fine, Preston. I'll see you in a few.

Jack: Damn. Are they finally gone? I didn't think they'd ever leave.
Raymond: Why did you want them to leave?
Jack: I need to get into the Nonsense Shrine. I think I may have left something there a long, long time ago...
Raymond: Oh. ...Why couldn't you go in when they were here? }=/
Jack: Shhhhhhhhh....*because they think I'll break something*
Raymond: Oh. Why would they think that?
Jack: Hmph. Beats me. I'm the picture of perfect stealth. Now stand back, Raymond, and watch me sneak in with my l33t ninja skillz...

Raymond: Uh, Mr. Sheen, was that part of your ninja skills?
Jack: Not...a...word.
Raymond: Okay. =(

About 20 Minutes Later

Jack: *huff* *huff* *pant* QUICK! Close the door behind me! CLOSE THE DAMN DOOR!!
Raymond: What's wrong, Jack? =(
Jack: I'm being attacked by Big Bird!!
Raymond: >=(

Mr. Sheen, I think you've been in there too long. You're starting to talk nonsense, too.

Jack: I am fucking serious and so is he!

Oh shit, he just got Bert! Hurry up and help me shut the damn door!!

Raymond: Okay!!

*SCREEEEECH!* *SLAM!*

Phew...allright, it's shut, Mr. Sheen. What were you looking for, anyway?

Jack: My film projector...although this sketch has gotten so long now that I probably won't get to use it until the next one. Man, the things you find in those old forum posts.
Raymond: Like that?
Jack: ? ...like what?
Raymond: Like that. It came out of there before you did.
Jack: Oh, no...what the hell is that!?

...uh oh...I hear someone coming. Hurry, Raymond, hide!

Tomi: *grumble* *grumble* Stupid cat. Stupid moonbuggy. Stupid flammable gasses! Hey, why don't you just get off my case now, huh?
Preston: You really need to learn to keep your temper under control, Mr. Forrester. We already lost the west wing, we don't want to burn down the rest of the place, too.
Tomi: Yeah, well, you're pissin' me off, so back off before I spontaneously combust again.
???: I am Troy! Lord of all Light Fixtures!
Preston: Okay, very funny. I know, I know, I got a little carried away with Lizaki's nonsense war and embarrassed myself in front of Aurora. Are you happy now?
Tomi: What the hell are you talking about? You think I said that?
Preston: Well, it was either you or Kiini. You're the only people I...see...here...What the...? By Leohtiss!
Troy: I see lots of swoooorly things. 0o
Tomi: What the hell is that?
Preston: Oh dear. It's Troy, the Guardian of the Nonsense Shrine. He must've gotten out when Lizaki and I were messing around in there. We'll have to figure out a way to send him back...
Troy: Hey, Longears! Yo momma so fat, when she went out side in a red dress, everyone yelled, "HEY, KOOL-AID!"
Preston: This could be a problem.
Lizaki: Hey, fellas, what's going on over here?
Tomi: Seems you and the shrink let some kind of insult comic loose in the school.
Preston: It's Troy, the Nonsense Shrine Guardian. We have to get rid of him, but as much as I hate to admit this, I'm afraid to touch him. There's no telling what kind of built-in defense mechanisms he might have.
Troy: I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung
Wanna pull up tough
Cuz you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh, baby I wanna get with ya
Lizaki: Oh, Troy, huh? Well, you're right, Abirok, use of force won't help in this case. You'll have to beat him at his own game, and you know what that means? ...RAP WAR!! I'll need all the help I can get...
Preston: Eh, no thanks. I'll sit this one out.
Tomi: Hey, you two caused this mess. YOU fix it.
Lizaki: Nevermind, you two are amateurs. You'd just sink my rhythm anyway. But this is gonna take everything I've got. Here goes!
It's the Mario Brothers and plumbin's their game
Found the secret warp zone while working on the drain
Lend the princess a hand in the Mushroom Land.
Comin' atcha with the plumbers, you'll be hooked on the brothers! Now.
Troy: As i walk throught the valley where i harvest my grain,
I take a look at my wife and realize she's very plain.
But that's just perfect for an Amish like me,
you know I shun fancy things like electricity.
At 4:30 in the mornin' i'm milking cows,
Jebediah feeds the chickens and Jacob plows, fool
and I've been milking and plowing so long that
even Ezekial thinks that my mind is gone.
I'm a man of the land, I'm into discipline,
got a Bible in my hand and a beard on my chin,
but if I finish all of my chores, and you finish thine,
then tonight we're going to party like it's 1699.
Lizaki: Have you ever seen a turtle Get Down?
Slamminí Jamminí to the new swing sound
Yeah, everybody letís move
Vanilla is here with the new Jack Groove
Gonna rock, and roll this place
With the power of the ninja turtle bass
Iceman, ya know Iím not playiní
Devistate the show while the turtles are sayin:
Ninja, Ninja, RAP! Ninja, Ninja, RAP!
GO GO GO
Go Ninja, Go Ninja, GO; Go Ninja, Go ninja, GO!
Go Ninja, Go Ninja. GO; Go Ninja, Go ninja, GO!
GO GO GO GO
Troy: All right stop collaborate and listen
Ice is back with my brand new invention
Something grabs a hold of me tightly
Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly
Will it ever stop yo I don't know
Turn off the lights and I'll glow
To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal
Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle
Dance go rush to the speaker that booms
I'm killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom
Deadly when I play a dope melody
Anything less than the best is a felony
Love it or leave it you better gain weight
You better hit bull's eye the kid don't play
If there was a problem yo I'll solve it
Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it
Lizaki: Too hot to handle, too cold to hold
They're called the Ghostbusters and they're in control
Had 'em throwin' a party for a bunch of children
While all the while the slime was under the building
So they packed up their group, got a grip, came equipped
Grabbed the proton packs off their back and they split
Found about Vigo, the master of evil
Try to battle my boys? That's not legal
Troy:

Meow meow me-meow meow me-meow meowwwwww!
Me-meow meow me-meow meow me-meow meowwwwww!

Lizaki: Damn. This guy is way too good. I'm not sure I can take him.
Preston: It's a good thing this isn't a real show because I don't even want to imagine the royalties we'd be paying out right now.
Tomi: Hey, guys, check it out. Kiini appears to be communicating with it.
Kiini: 01000011 01101111 01101101 01100101 00100000 01101111 01101110 00100000 01000011 01110010 01100001 01101110 01101011 01111001 00100000 01010100 01100001 01101011 01100101 00100000 01101001 01110100 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01100110 01110010 01101001 01100100 01100111 01100101
Troy: 01001001 00100000 01101111 01101110 01100011 01100101 00100000 01100111 01101111 01110100 00100000 01100010 01110101 01110011 01111001 00100000 01101001 01101110 00100000 01100001 00100000 01100010 01110101 01110010 01100111 01100101 01110010 00100000 01101011 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01100010 01100001 01110100 01101000 01110010 01101111 01101111 01101101
Lizaki: Of course! This isn't the real Troy. Just a computer representation programmed with his personality that was left behind to guard the Nonsense Shrine. That's why Kiini can interface with it.
Tomi: What's happening now?
Tomi: Well. Problem solved.
Preston: That was the most existentially disturbing sketch ending yet.
Lizaki: Yeah, I know what you mean. I busta rhymed my ass off for nothin'.
Tomi: So who wants lunch? For some inscrutable reason, I have a real hankerin' for a subway sandwich.
Lizaki: Uh, no thanks. I think I'll head back to the lab.
Preston: Gotta go talk to FO about my picture. Later!
Tomi: Huh. That's funny. Wonder what got into them?

And later that evening, Tomi found a note from Phil Donahue demanding that he hand over his subway sandwich or else Jimmy Carter would never see his toothbrush again. Tomi refused and it rained eggs in his closet. The world would never be the same.

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