The Temple of Lost Ezboard Posts

Note: This sketch was originally written as a parody of a 2005 Hacker Attack that wiped out posts on the Port Saiid Community Forums that have served as this place's message board since 1999. Yes, it was actually written a year before the very first Site Tracking Adventure as a series of posts on the forums. I rewrote it into a sketch, but somehow, through all those massive walls of text down there, I neglected to mention the Hacker Attack, thus probably leaving a bunch of people who've found this page without being aware of that event scratching their heads.

This is, in my opinion, the single worst sketch in this series as it was apparent that my writing skills were really rusty back then. It has its moments, but it's a little rough even for me to get through it, so just skip up to the next one if you can't. It carries very little continuity with the other sketches.


Nucleo: *sigh*...Dash it all...
Aurora: Are you okay, Amadeus?
Nucleo: No.
Aurora: Care to discuss it, lad?
Nucleo: I was just lamenting that other practitioners of the magical arts acquire really, in the words of the youngsters, "cool" birds for pets, like owls, falcons, ravens, or crows. And what do I get?

An overweight quail with an abnormally long neck.

Aurora: But Pibby really likes you, and you don't have to be worryin' about your clothes gettin' torn from a quail's talons.
Nucleo: You're right. I'm too hard on her. It's just that we look so ridiculous.
Christopher: I somehow don't think that's what's really bothering him.
Aurora: What do you mean, child?
Christopher: Because he only uses outdated colloquial phrases like "dash it all" when he's REALLY upset over something. Like the time Kiini ate three of his cloaks and his fuzzy slippers.
Nucleo: He's right. It's just that...we failed. We failed in our mission. We found the Temple of Lost Ezboard Posts sure enough, but ~someone~ beat us to it and destroyed the most valuable posts. Nothing left but dust. And why did we fail? Because we spent too much time goofing around. I can, to a certain extent, understand it when the youngsters participate in such juvenile games, but I'm 40 years old and should know better than to let Mr. Tomasaro get to me like that.
Christopher: Eh...that was more my fault than yours. I should have just ignored the first picture he pulled out, but then I had to keep egging him on with all those pictures of him wearing really terrible clothes. And besides, we did find a number of good posts that we turned over to the Game Progress Topic Archives and they've since been put on display in CB007's Museum. It wasn't a total loss.
Aurora: ...So that's what this be about? A failed archaeological expedition?
Lukyan: I'm just surprised we found the temple in the first place. Who would've thought that Chance's idea to make a giant kite out of used tablecloths and bedspreads and fly Raymond 30 kilometers into the sky on it to look for the temple from a distance would've actually worked?
Raymond: Guys...can I come down now...please?? '_'
Chance: Of course that plan worked. My plans are always built on solid foundations. I agree that we allowed ourselves to be sidetracked, but even so, we are not entirely to blame. It was also that weirdo in the culottes and girdle that kept stopping us every 10 minutes to ask if he could join the quest and demonstrate his usefulness by chucking his sword 80 feet in the air.

Nucleo: For the love of all things isotropic, don't you gentlemen understand? We failed! There should be no excuses. We were entrusted with this mission by the fates that brought us, the temple map, and the giant tablecloth together, and we failed. My distress over our failure is only superceded by one greater concern - who, exactly was it that beat us to the temple and deleted those posts? Thanks to their wanton destructive tendencies, the secrets to beating the final boss of Blinx the Timesweeper may be lost to the universe forever.
Christopher: Well, I've got several prime suspects:


Bazil Kyradius - A mountaindevil of Nispatian descent. Bazil will stop at nothing to overthrow humans and elves as the dominant species of the world, and by destroying the very information that would've allowed us to perform the impossible feat of destroying the Blinx end boss, he puts himself one step ahead in the game.


Desiree von Blueblood - The Baroness and leader of the Quixotic Tigers gang of pirates and thieves. It is a well-known fact that Desiree loves nothing more than to destroy things, and the more important the object was that she destroys, the more satisfaction she gets from it. Since figuring out how to beat the final boss of Blinx is certainly one of the greatest achievements of mankind, she'd go completely ecstatic at the very thought of having the chance to eradicate such information.


Eddy and Jade Blythe - Twin Demon Elves who work for CRASHER under the command of General Ghestov Sal-Yun. It is no doubt that Ghestov would have sent them to the temple to retrieve the infomation contained within those posts so that he could use it for his own personal gain. However, Eddy and Jade screw up every mission they've ever been assigned to and the destruction of those posts was most likely a complete, yet possibly-could-have-been-avoided, accident on their part.


Dr. Honen Calzoun - Egotistical supermaniac who wants his genius to be recognized. Knowing his penchant for creating monsters and machines of destruction, it's possible that Honen actually built the Blinx end boss and didn't want anyone to find out how to kill it.


Felona Corona - She probably got drunk and passed out on the delete key again.


Zumo - May have sold the posts to pay for his gambling habit.


Kiini - May have eaten the posts.

Nucleo: Bazil's dead.
Christopher: That didn't stop him the last time.
Nucleo: I think he's really dead for good this time.
Christopher: How can you tell?
Nucleo: Chance killed him the first time. Talon killed him the second time. Do you think FO's going to keep bringing him back until he's been killed by every single RAU cast member?
Christopher: Yes.
Nucleo:
Aurora: Could someone be so kind as to explain exactly what happened? I still be a little confused here.
Nucleo: Sure. Jack got Bazil's hands caught in a Chinese finger trap, which disabled his ability to cast magic spells. Bazil was busy trying to remove his hands from the trap, and in his frustrated state of mind, he backed up against a rope bridge. Chance cut the ropes behind him and he plunged 50 feet into a pool of lava below. Now, he was later resurrected and his own son Talon killed him while protecting my daughter Cory...
Aurora: Amadeus!!
Nucleo: Yes, mother?
Aurora: I don't be needin' you to explain about Bazil, I already know that story. I was referrin' to your mission to find the Temple of Lost Ezboard Posts.
Nucleo: Oh that. Sure. I can explain. It all started when...

ONE WEEK AGO

Raymond: I'm here, Professor McRaven. Please forgive me if I don't quite know how to do things because I was only in one episode of this series before, and it was a preliminary episode which doesn't even count, and I don't quite remember having much of a personality. So, for me, this journey will be one for...discovering who I am. This is my quest to find a personality. I'm glad you'll have me along. Um...there aren't going to be any tigers on this trip, right?
Chance: I'm beginning to think making this journey will not be necessary after all. A whole bunch of lost ezboard posts have suddenly appeared out of nowhere. It looks like someone beat us to the temple already...
Nucleo: Nonsense, Mr. Tomasaro. The appearance of all of these lost ezboard posts could only mean one thing: there is a crack in the temple's foundation, and these posts are flowing out of it. But the most important of the lost ezboard posts still remain missing. I theorize that they are hidden, sealed away in the deepest depths of the temple and they cannot simply leak back out. It'll be up to us intrepid explorers to find the temple and excavate those lost posts. Those posts, I believe, are the ones that contain the secrets to solving the greatest riddles of the universe!! And, Raymond, my good friend, glad you could make it. Don't worry about not having a personality, I am sure you will find one in the temple if you don't find one sooner.
Chance: So, I suppose what you're trying to say, Nucleo, is that we should follow the trail of these leaking posts, and that should lead us right to the temple, am I correct?
Nucleo: Precisely. We should begin our search immediately.
Chance: These posts appear to be coming from several different directions. Here's what I propose we do: We form a base. And then we each spread out in different directions. We each go so far, and then return to base and report our findings. Based on the information we gather, we move the base several thousand feet in the direction we determine the temple to most likely be in. We then repeat this until we have found the temple or met our deaths, whichever comes first.
Nucleo: ...
Lukyan: ...
Christopher: ...Uh, well, I thought we had a map that leads directly to the temple. That's what Teach asked Raymond here for.
Chance: Oh, yeah, you're right. But it's pretty easy to forget Raymond's even here.
Raymond: ='( Um...actually, guys, well, Professor McRaven was so excited to find this map of mine that...well, I neglected to tell him something...well, actually, he wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise, but that's quite allright, I can understand his excitement. Anyway, well...I only have half of the map...it can probably get us halfway there, but then we'd be on our own...unless we can find the other half of the map.
Nucleo: Don't worry, Raymond! I actually knew that you only had half the map. But I theorize that the second half is contained within one of the lost ezboard posts. If we use Chance's plan, we should spread out each day and check the ezboard posts that have leaked from the temple to find the missing half of the map. Okay, everyone, on my mark, we leave and report back in three hours.
Christopher: Wait a minute. Wait a minute! Hold the eggplants, here. Where is Chester? He said he was going to join us, but he went to look for something and hasn't come back yet. We can't just leave without him.
Chance: We can't?
Chester: I'm here! I'm here! I found something! I think it's a clue to the whereabouts of the Temple of Lost Ezboard Posts! Right here: http://deathamster.flyingomelette.com/humor/humor3.html
Chance: You imbecile!! That's just a review of FO's ass!
Nucleo: Wait a minute...hand that over to me, Chester...My lands!! This is it...there's a secret message embedded in this review. Judging by this description, I believe FO's butt IS the second half of the map!!! Gentlemen, we now know what it is we must do. We must search for.......

....

....

....

um....would one of you fellas mind asking FO about the map, please?

Lukyan: If you think I'm going to go to the overlord and ask her to drop her pants, you're insane.
Christopher: I'll do it!!
Chance: Bless his brave soul...

SEVERAL HOURS LATER

Nucleo: I'm worried. He hasn't returned yet.
Lukyan: I suppose you want us to go look for him?
Chester: Dude! Here he comes!
Chance: Is it just me, or is something...carrying him...? ...Uh-oh, it's...
FO: Did you guys lose something?
Christopher: *thud* ...Oof!
FO: Look, I love you guys dearly. I really do. Especially you, my adorable little desert-elf prince. But the next time you need something from me, just ask for it. Okay?
Christopher: I am so sorry. I didn't realize that was illegal in the real world.
FO: Yes. It is. And for the record, I'm going to make it illegal in Phainein, too.
Christopher: Can I still have the map?
FO: Here's a copy. *chuck* Now don't ever do anything like that again, okay?
Christopher: Thank you!!
FO: *sigh*...Carry on now.
Nucleo: Sorry to have put you through that, Christopher. I would have gone myself, but I'm afraid that if I upset the overlord, she might retaliate by making me almost get married to that crazed drunkard Felona Corona again.
Christopher: I remember the last time that happened. You were all drugged up and zoned out because that's the only way Felona could get you to sit still and marry her, and then I had to give you the antidote.

It brought your mind back to consciousness, but it took longer for the effect to wear off on the rest of you, so I had to carry you around my shoulders. *sigh* Those were the days.

Lukyan: Uh, you were always carrying that weird little man around on your shoulders. Do you realize how bizarre it looks to see the Desert-Elf Prince carrying a 40-year-old mountaindevil around on his shoulders all the time?
Christopher: It saved space in the panels.
Nucleo: Thanks for the trip down Unpleasant Memory Lane, my young protegé. Trust me, I've got a number of embarrassing pictures of you I could pull out and post, too. Like that one where you nearly killed yourself fighting Kraken and Mr. Tomasaro had to carry your unconcious person back down the mountain.
Chance: Great shit, no way do you have a picture of that!
Nucleo: Indeed, I do. But someone cut your head off in the picture, so it's hard to tell it's you.
Raymond: Just so long as no one has a picture of Cody Decker pulling my pants off, I'll be happy.
Nucleo: ...
Chance: ...
Lukyan: Recovery from that line, E.T.A. 20 seconds!
Chester: Dude! I'm just glad we got the map so we don't have to follow Chance's plan.
Chance: Why? What's wrong with my plan...and, wait a minute, how do you even know what my plan was? I said it before you got here.
Christopher: PLOTHOLE!!
Chester: Dude, no! I read the script.
Chance: I still fail to see anything wrong with that plan.
Christopher: Oh come on, your plans are even worse than your interior decorating skills.
Chance: And what, praytell, do you mean by that, lamp-dweller?
Christopher: Hey, now, I don't live in a lamp, but even if I did, it would sure be a better sight than your furniture. Witness Exhibit A:


That is the ugliest couch I have ever seen in my life. Lime green and magenta? Poor Teach was trying to recover from a serious injury - I would think the vomiting that would induce would've made him get worse.

Chance: My taste in furniture is no worse than your taste in clothing. I suppose your standard Aridian attire isn't too bad, but if you ever change into something else...


...pretty much all hell breaks loose.

Christopher: Okay, so it's bad clothing you want to discuss. At least I had a reason to be dressed like that. I was at a costume party. What's your excuse for this:


I mean, really....I mean...ech...what is that? I don't even think there's any known culture in the universe that wears clothing like that.

Chance: My aunt made that outfit for me and I was forced to wear it one day when she visited. That's the only time I wore it and it wasn't by my choice. At least I take care of my clothes.


This is what you looked like when Nucleo found you running away with that flea-ridden circus. Look at you, you're a total mess here.

Christopher: Again, not my fault. I had no money. It's not like I made a conscious choice to tear my clothes apart.


Unlike you, who made a conscious choice to wear an eyepatch for no apparent reason! What WERE you thinking???

Raymond: Hey, speaking of which. You know what's weird? That pirate guy Cody Decker who was always trying to pull my pants off...


He has an eyepatch string but no eyepatch on it. Weird, huh? I guess he likes being prepared.

Christopher: What I find even weirder is how much you two look suspiciously similar:

Raymond: =O
Nucleo: Uh, gentlemen, I've returned. Don't you think we should get back to our mission now?
Christopher: Returned? Where did you go?
Nucleo: I went to go get some provisions for our trip, but I got buried under a flood of old posts that reappeared. By the time I freed myself, all hell had broken loose here.
Chance: Nucleo, I suggest you stay out of this or else I'll start posting embarrassing pictures of you. Like this one, where you are CLEARLY wasted:


Now that's setting an example for your students.

Nucleo: Okay, now that's low. That was really low and uncalled for...I'm sure we all were about as interested in seeing that as we are in seeing this picture of you with Tomi and Chester hanging off your legs:

Chester: Dude! We are so misproportioned!
Kharg: Excuse me, sorry to butt in here, but I was wondering if I could join your quest to find the Temple of Lost Ezboard Posts. I believe the secret to defeating the Deimos may be contained in one of those posts.
Chance: Sorry, you're a licensed character. It wouldn't be legal if you joined us. Nucleo, I'm not through with you. I've got more where that came from.
Kharg: Licensed character? Not legal? What on earth are you talking about? Do you realize how many references to videogames, all of which contain licensed characters, that you've already made in these sketches? Plus the name of this sketch is a ripoff of "Temple of Doom", and you're gonna talk to me about legal technicalities? And above all, the director of this thing wears a Bebedora avatar!!
FO: Get out of my movie, Kharg.
Kharg: Movie? WHAT movie? Your actors aren't doing anything but showing embarrassing pictures of each other. We're wasting valuable time. Every moment we lose, the Deimos are a step closer to conquering the human world!
FO:


*stretch*


*thwock!*

Kharg: Geez, okay, okay. I can take a hint. But you still owe me $20 for eating all of those cinnamon rolls.
FO: Sue me.
Chance: Okay, Nucleo, so you want to play rough? Well, here goes:


This is you all drugged up from Felona Corona. Actually, that's not too far off from your normal vacant stare.


Example #1 of great Nucleo McRaven dialogue.


Example #2 of great Nucleo McRaven dialogue.


Bullseye!


Here is a picture of you with your daughter, and you're wearing fuzzy slippers!!! And for as cute and cuddly as you try to make yourself be...


...you are one damn ugly motherfucker when you are angry

Christopher: Jeez, you're one to talk. I don't know what's worse...the eyepatch...


...or the outfit that went with it. What were you trying to do here? Be an extra in a Road Warrior movie?

Chance: I've got plenty more of you, too, your royal bagginess:


No wonder you're such a klutz. It seems you have two left hands.


This needs no caption from me.

Christopher: Me a klutz? You call THIS wielding a sword:


What do you call that move? The Flying Bellbottom?

Chance: How about pictures that embarrass both you and Nucleo at the same time?


I think you two are enjoying that way too much here.


My, aren't we a happy family?

Christopher: Way to take pictures out-of-context, dude.
Chance: In what context would those NOT look questionable?
Nucleo: Stand aside, Christopher. Let a pro handle this. I've got something on you, Mr. Tomasaro, that trumps anything that you could possibly dig up on us. I didn't want it to come to this, but YOU asked for it!

Are you ready? Drumroll, please...

A picture of Sesa and Chance from their highschool yearbook:


There are no words in the languages of humans, elves, or mountaindevils for this one.

Raymond: Blymie! '_'
Chester: Dude!
Lukyan: Oh...man. The things I'm exposed to in this strip.
Christopher: That is...that is...I am speechless...What is up with Chance's head? It looks like a Picasso drawing.
Lukyan: More like what the hell is up with Sesa's everything.
Chance: He looked like that before he left town. I didn't recognize him when he finally returned years later. Are we done yet?
Christopher: Done what?
Nucleo: *pant* *pant* *pant*...*faint* *thud!*
Chester: Dude! So, who gets to carry him this time?
Chance: Christopher is the living mountaindevil chariot, not me.
Christopher: *sigh* Okay, I'll get him, but I say we stop for ice cream on the way back.

Aurora: ... So, basically, whatcha' be saying is that you were too late to save the temple because you passed out from the exhaustion of digging up embarrassing photos of your friends. Am I right?
Nucleo: Yes, mother, that's...basically what happened.
Aurora: Well, don't let it getcha so down, now. Maybe the next time things will go better for ye.
Nucleo: I don't know if I want there to be a next time.
Aurora: Sure you do! Archaeology is your life. And maybe you should take Image, Marissa, and Pibby with you next time. Experienced explorers like them would surely make things go smoother.
Nucleo: Hm. You're probably right. I think I'll just take a small vacation for now. I'll feel differently about things after I've had a week of rest.
Aurora: That's the spirit, lad! I'll leave ye be for now. If you be needing me, you know where to find me.
Nucleo: *sigh*
Honen: Excuse me, Professor McRaven?
Nucleo: Honen. What is it?
Honen: I could not help but overhear part of conversation, um...something about beating ze Blinx end boss? I know about dat...
Nucleo: Really?? Do you know how to beat him??
Honen: Oh sure. It's written on ze glitches page. Knew about dat long time ago.
Nucleo: Let me see that... ...so...all this time the secret way FO beat him...was through a glitch? We went through all of that...for a glitch?
Honen: Apparently so. You made me feel better ze other day, so I thought I tell you.
Nucleo: Thanks, Honen! You're truly helpful.
Honen: Someting still bothering you, professor?
Nucleo: Yeah...you know, I can't help but feel that through all of this we had forgotten something...but I don't have any idea what it could possibly be...
Honen: Well, couldn't have been dat important or you would remember it, right?
Nucleo: Yeah...I suppose you're right. C'mon, let's go get a drink.
Honen: Aye! I could go for dat.

Raymond: Hey, um....Guys? Umm...please, can I come down now? Please? =(

*floats away*

Oh no! =O

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