The Great Forum War Part 4|
The War Against ErniePants
|Preston: Ugh. I feel so awful. At least I'm not a cake anymore...but what's going on? Where are we?|
|Talon: ErniePants has warped time and space and shifted us to the Astral Plane. This is his home dimension...where he has become...the Pure Evil...
ErniePants: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
|Preston: This isn't good. We took a severe beating in the last battle. We aren't strong enough now to fight...|
|Robin: And this is a different playing field than what we were on before...the rules of the battle have changed. No more combo attacks.|
|Honen: No...but you can have fourth party member...
|Robin: What..? Honen?! How did you get here?|
|Honen: Iz long story, Ms. Calypson. My battlearmor has healing beam. I can only use it zis one time, but it'll heal all three of you at once...
|Talon: Thanks, Dr. Calzoun! I'm feeling a lot better now.
|Robin: Honen, thanks...I know you probably don't care, but I'm really happy to see you. And thanks for calling me by my name instead of "earth-demon girl".|
|Honen: Thank me later. We have business to take care of.|
ErniePants: Honen...Honen, Honen, Honen, Honen, Honen, Honen, Honen, Honen, Honen, Honen, Honen, Honen, Honen, Honen, Honen, Honen. My, have you gone soft? Saving the lives of three magical-blooded creatures. Another stain on your reputation. No one will ever take you seriously as a world-dominator at that rate, unlike me. What a miserable uncouth failure you are. Ha, ha, ha!
|Honen: Do not question me you rancid piece of tweed!! I do as I feel like it! Understand?
ErniePants: Ha ha ha ha ha! Pootyhead! Pootyhead! You are a Puh-HOO-tee-HEAD! Mwa ha ha! SUX! SUX! SUX! U ALL SUX!! MWA HA HA HA!
|Honen: Oh, !@#$% off! I'm going to use my weapons on you now! FIRE!!!|
*fwop* *fwop* *fwop*....*fizzle*
|Honen: ... Uh, whaat? It did not...work? Did ze Overlord...misjudge?|
ErniePants: I am not just a mere pair of pants. I am the Omni-Wonder of the Universe. Mortal eyes cannot see my true form. If you were to ever lay eyes on it, you would spontaneously combust. Therefore, I must appear in a form that the mortal mind can grasp - that of a giant pair of talking pants! Now, say your prayers, Phaineinlings!!
|Preston: Great Skiva...Brace yourselves, everyone!|
|Talon: Oh, damn!|
|Robin: Agh! My ears are ringing...but we're otherwise okay? ... Preston??|
|Preston: My light shield absorbed that one, but I can't keep this up forever. I'm not a very strong magic user. |
|Honen: Zis cannot be...Ze circuits are all fried...shorted out! *slams fist* Damn you, Overlord!! You betray us!! Grrghghrrhghghrhhh....hrm? Um...|
|Robin: What is it, Honen?|
|Honen: When I slammed my fist on ze console...someting popped out...It iz a note written by ze Overlord long ago during Great Forum Wars...|
|Talon: What does it say?|
|Honen: It says..."No matter how bad things on these forums get, I'll always remember all the great friendships I've made over the years. I will always think of them in my darkest times and I would never trade them for anything in the world."
Bah! Useless piece o' scrap...
|Robin: No, wait...that's it! We have to call out to our friends for help.|
|Honen: But I don't have any friends.|
|Talon: That's not true, Dr. Calzoun. We're your friends. And so are all the people at the Grimmora University. And Zumo...well, he does pick on you a lot, but I know he wouldn't have stayed with you as long as he has if he didn't consider you a friend, too.|
|Preston: I agree with Talon. However, I do believe that ErniePants is charging up for another attack and I don't have enough energy left to block it again...Sorry to change the subject, but we must do something quickly...
|Robin: I'm working on it, Preston. I'm sure the note is a clue to what we have to do, so here goes:
If anyone can hear us, anyone at all...lend us your strength! Please help us!
|Lukyan: Dammit, man, do you have to do that?? I don't want to have an early stroke.|
|Chester: Dude, sorry, but I like suddenly thought I heard Robin's voice asking for help or something...Dude, man, I feel kinda worried about her.
|Christopher: Ah, don't worry, Chet. I know it's been awhile since she went to see the Overlord, but you know what the lines can be like there.|
|Chester: Dude, I know...but like, can you just like wish her well or something. It would just make me feel better if you did.|
|Christopher: Sure. What harm is there in that?|
|Taura: Robin's my friend. I often think about her and hope she's doing well.|
|Sesa: I gave her one of my best calculators earlier. It'll bring her good luck.|
|Samantha: I'm sure she's allright, Chester, but if it makes you happy...|
|Chester: Thanks. You guys are the best. |
ErniePants: ARRRRRGGGHHHH!! What have you done?!?! My defenses are becoming...unstable!!!
|Preston: It...it's working! Okay, I'll try this, too...|
|Nucleo: I'm telling you, Im, it's a rabbit.
|Image: No, silly Nuclee, it's a duck.|
|Nucleo: It's a rabbit.
|Image: Duck! DUCK! DUCK!|
|Aurora: What? WHAT?! What be goin' on here? Are we under attack?|
|Nucleo: No, Aurora, Im and I were just discussing if this picture is a rabbit or a duck...and...|
|Aurora: And what...? What's wrong, Amadeus?|
|Nucleo: I just...for a brief moment thought Preston might be in trouble somehow...um..|
|Image: You worry about him too much, Nuclee.|
|Aurora: Oh, but you can't blame him. That dear old desert-elf would lose his head if it weren't tightly fastened.|
|Nucleo: He's been like an older brother to me ever since I first came here.
I used to have such terrible anxiety attacks and he helped me get through all of that. Gee, maybe I was too hard on him about not matching his avatars to his age.
|Aurora: That's right. He'll always be Preston no matter what he be lookin' like.|
|Nucleo: Well, maybe we should just wish him well, wherever he is... |
|Image: Okay, Nuclee, I love you and all your friends! |
ErniePants: ARRRRRGGGHHHH!! GWAARRRGGHHHH! GROOOAAARRR! I AM...THE OMNI...WONDER!!!!
|Talon: Robin, Preston, you two rest out. Give me a turn at this...|
|Cory: It's so boring without Talon around...I wonder what's taking him so long to come back.|
|Chance: Why didn't you go with him?|
|Cory: I had some work to do and he said he wouldn't be very long. I wish I had gone with him. I'm a little worried about him...|
|Chance: We both worry about him way too much. He's very capable of taking care of himself. I mean, he should be. He learned from the best (me).|
|Cory: Yeah, I know, Chance. Still, I'm just hoping he comes home soon.|
ErniePants: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! YOU CAN NEVER DEFEAT ME!!!
|Honen: My turn? Do I have to do zis? Allright, allright, I suppose I do...|
Man, what a weirdass dream...I dreamt that Honen was in big trouble...Could he be? Oh, wait a minute, what am I saying? I'm still mad at that loser. Even if he was in trouble, he would totally deserve it.
...still...I just had this sudden image of when I first met him...
That poor shivering kid all alone in the rain...*sniff* *sniff*
BAH! Who cares? That was a long time ago. He turned out to be an even bigger jerk than me. Screw'im.
OH ALLRIGHT!!! I HOPE YOU'RE OKAY, YOU BIG, FAT, STUPID, DEFLATED-SOCCER-BALL-HEADED, JACKASS LOSER!!! THERE, ARE YOU HAPPY!! NOW GET OUT OF MY DREAMS ALREADY!!!
ErniePants: GRRRHGHGHGHGHGHGHHG!!!! I'M LOSING POWERRRRR....MWA HA! BUT I'M STILL GOING, MORTALS!!!
|Robin: It's not good enough. We have to think of more people...I know...Speed this prayer to all the people...of the Port Saiid forums!!!|
|James: Allright, men!! I've called forth my armies of ketchup packets and toenail clippers. The RAU is in trouble and is depending on us to haul their asses out of the fire. Saddle up your giant sponges! Synchronize your clarinet reeds! We're on a mission!|
|CB007: I've got a barrel in my soul and Doc Brown's time machine. Nothing can stop us from taking down ErniePants this time.|
|Junus: ErniePants? Why is it always ErniePants?? I leave for six months and he doesn't post the whole time I'm gone, and as soon as I come back, there's fucking ErniePants!!!|
|Codie: Look at the bright side. You're getting your chance to finally take him out now. Just don't use bottle rockets. Trust me, they won't work.|
|DH: Well, there goes my idea.|
|Hobbes: I'm pretty sure these bottle rockets will actually work. I filled them with Pabst, Game Genie codes, and Randall Sneer's liposuctioned fat rolls.|
|Sethra: Holy crap! I guess I don't need to call in my reinforcements then...|
|Tweeter: Heavy machine gun?|
|Sethra: No. But you were close.|
|FatShnoo: I look like an egg.|
ErniePants: OH, THE PAIN!! THE PAIIIINNNNNNNNNN!!!! GRARRRGGHHH!! I AM...THE PURE...EVIL!!!
|Robin: I...I can't think of anyone else...Talon, Preston, Honen, anyone you can think of...anyone at all...just start praying already!!!|
|BOF2 Cat: |
|Suddenly, the Breath of Fire 2 Cat recalled Honen's psychotic face and was very confused.|
|Cliffjumper and Mirage suddenly felt something and started praying for the safety of their fellow 80's cartoons...at least that's what we think...|
|Greg: On top of spagheeeeettiiiiii, all covered with cheeeeese, I lost my poor meeeeeatballllll when somebody sneeeezed. It rolled off the taaaaaable and onto the floooooorrrr and then my poor meatballllll rolled right out the doooooooooor.
Greg Kasavin thought he heard Robin's call for help and having never even met the RAU Gallery before, kept right on singing "On Top of Spaghetti".
|Waldo was so excited to get a second NES game that he had an erection on the title screen.|
Bishop: BRAIN SHOCK ~ E. T. A. 20 SECONDS!!!
|Robin: We've almost got him but...that's it. I just can't think of any more. Can any of you guys think of anyone...anyone else?|
|Honen: No, no, I can't...I refuse to ask her help...I...
Ah, heck! Leona...
|Leona: ...Honen? Is that you? Where are you?|
|Honen: Leona, I am back in my own time period. But I need you to say dat you still care about me. |
|Leona: Why? Do you still care about me, Honen?|
|Honen: Of course. Why you think I want you to come with me?|
|Leona: But why, Honen? After all I've done to you...|
|Honen: Look, zis stupid sketch has enough sappy lovey gooey parts as it iz, so just say it already so we can beat ErniePants and go home!! I know iz true, anyway!!|
|Leona: Honen, I had to teach myself not to care about you. It was the only way I could deal with it. I'm sorry.|
|Honen: Ebanashka!!! Fine! I hate you, too! Because of your stupid stubborn pride, ErniePants will win and all of FlyingOmelette.com will disappear. Have a nice afterlife! Moodozvon!!|
|Leona: Wait! Okay, Honen, but just this one last time, and then we must part our ways. Although I still believe your pursuit of technology will lead to your destruction and eternal damnation...I'll wish you well and hope that someday, maybe you'll understand and forgive me. Farewell, Dr. Calzoun.|
|Honen: *soupir exaspéré*...thank goodness. Goodbye, Leona. Maybe someday you'll understand and forgive me, too.|
|LATER THAT EVENING|
|Aurora: Preston...Preston, dear, wake up!|
|Preston: Ergh, um, what? What happened? Ouch. My head...maybe becoming old again wasn't such a good idea after all...Aurora? Where am I?|
|Aurora: You're in the infirmary, dear. When the three of ye didn't return from FO's place, we went searchin'. We found all of ye, along with Dr. Calzoun, lyin' there unconscious at the doorstep.|
|Preston: Oh, I remember now. The others...are they okay? |
|Talon: Yeah, we're good, Dr. Abirok.|
|Robin: We defeated ErniePants, Preston. He's been banished back to the Astral Plane...at least for now. He won't be bothering us for a very long time, if ever again.|
|Preston: Splendid! I suppose that means I don't have to worry about getting thrown out of here or having my glasses confiscated anymore. I've got a big enough headache as it is...but where's Dr. Calzoun?|
|Robin: He went to go reconcile with Zumo. It's strange...if he hadn't shown up when he did, we probably wouldn't have won. I wanted to hug him, but he doesn't like being touched. |
|Talon: I don't think there's anything strange about it. Honen's a good person. He just has a bizarre way of showing it.|
|Preston: Yes, that's true. Different people have different ways of expressing their feelings. Some have a lot of difficulty with it...|
|Aurora: Well, you just be restin' up now, dear! I was gettin' kinda worried about ye for awhile there.
|Preston: Gack! And...then...there are...people...who have no...difficulty at all... Air would be...nice about now!|
|Aurora: Oh, c'mon now. I wasn't squeezin' ye that badly.|
|Zumo: All I'm saying is that the next time you go on a vacation, just let me know. You don't have to take me along, but I just don't like waking up and not having a damn clue where you are and flying into a panic because I think you've skipped town without me or worse...|
|Honen: Okay, I promise I won't do it again.|
|Zumo: ...and...that's it? You really are apologizing? You're not even going to argue with me and try to make it seem like you're right like you always do?|
|Honen: No. I was wrong not to tell you. I made you feel abandoned. Same way I was all those years ago. Dat wasn't good of me.|
|Zumo: Really? Oh...well, apology accepted, friend... So, how was your trip?|
|Honen: You wouldn't have liked it anyway. First I get lost in stupid jungle, then I end up battling giant pair of talking pants dat hadn't been washed in 9 years.|
|Zumo: Eww...someone must've left'em in the locker WAY too long. Unfortunately, I get the feeling that's about as normal as a vacation is going to get for you.|
|Honen: You're probably right. Oh, Zumo, just one more little thing...|
|Honen: Don't ever call my head a "deflated soccer ball" again, aye?|
|Zumo: Oh, okay...Sorry about that.|
|Honen: I'm going to return to my room and sleep for awhile. I've had long day. See you later.|
...Man, he must've had a hard time. That's not like him at all, and...
Wait a minute...how did he know about the soccer ball thing? I thought that was just a dream???
|Lukyan: What's even more mysterious is how is a guy that has no eyes able to use blinking emoticons? What are we supposed to picture happening?
|Zumo: Dude, there are just some things you don't question, allright?
|And now that the War Against ErniePants is over, peace returns to the land of Phainein, and all is well in the Grimmora University. All of FlyingOmelette.com is safe for now...but for how long? |
For...how...long? I mean, how long can the peace really last before another would-be forum dominator rises from the depths of old topics and attempts another takeover? No one really knows, but one thing we DO know is that there will always be those who will take up arms for the cause of justice. Those who are willing to sacrifice everything for...
|Aurora: Now where in the world do that boomin' voice be comin' from? ... Oh, I see. Someone left the TV turned on again...
|No, wait, ma'am! Don't touch that...I'm not finis...|