The Great Forum War Part 3
Honen's Vacation

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Honen: Iz strange...Several episodes ago I ask to be sent on vacation and zis is where I end up - lost in some stupid jungle! Ze Overlord has strange sense of humor. Oh well. At least she gave me directions...


Verdammen Sie es aller zur Hölle!! STUPID NEW JERSEY ELBOW LANES!!!

???: Hey, you over there! Aren't you Dr. Honen Calzoun?
Honen: Hai-che-ya! W-who's there??
???: My, a little jumpy without your robots to defend you?
Honen: Nonsense! I am still blackbelt and still have my sword. Now, show yourself!
???: Put on a less hostile countenance first.
Honen: What?! Zis is ze avatar dat ze Overlord chose for me. I haven't a choice but to look like zis, and I rather like it.
???: Okay, well, I'll just have to leave you here alone in this dark jungle...with all the snakes and wild animals and bombs going off...
Honen: Gah! No wait! Give me...5 seconds...hold on...I'll try.
Honen: There! Iz dat better? ...Wait a minute, what was dat about bombs going off?
???: Yes, that's a lot better, Honen. It's been a long time since I've seen you.
Honen: Ebanashka!! Haiii-aii-yaiii!! Leona?!?!
Leona: Honen, you certainly have the most interesting ways of greeting people.
Honen: Well, what do you expect?? You're dead!! Dat must mean I am dead, too!! ....Though I suppose iz not as bad as I would've expected it to be...
???: What?! What are you talking about, you dummy! Don't you know that old cartoon characters don't die, they just smell that way. ... Wait, I think that's it. *sniff* *sniff*. Yeah, that's it!
Honen: Ce qui dans le monde? I must be having nightmare. Yes. Dat explains everyting...
Leona: No, you're not dreaming, Honen. Um...What is wrong with the way you talk? You're barely understandable.
Honen: What? Now, c'mon my accent izn't dat bad...I leave village when very young...I learned to talk from hearing people all around ze world. Who iz...zis cat person?
Leona: This is my friend, Wildclaw. She's been helping me survive in these tough conditions...
Honen: She? How can dat be female? It looks, acts, dresses, and sounds like man.
Wildclaw: What?! I am female, you stupid rock-worshipping hermaphrodite. I show you all 8 of my kitty nipples to prove it!! Get over here!

Honen: Ai-yai-YAI!! Get ze hell away from me, you disgusting felis! And I am NOT a hermaphrodite!
Wildclaw: Really? I had no idea there were male and female Onis. ... Not even sure I can tell much difference between you two besides your clothes. Hmmm...I'm not convinced there is any.
Honen: What you mean?
Wildclaw: I'm thinking that if you're not a hermaphrodite, then you things must reproduce asexually.
Honen: ??.. I have all ze necessary equipment if dat's what you imply!!!
Wildclaw: Yeah, well, prove it! Take off your clothes.
Honen: What?!?!
Wildclaw: You heard me, take'em off right now!!
Leona: LOOK OUT!!!!!
Honen: Sacrebleu! What ze hell was dat??? Leona...are you okay?
Leona: *cough* *cough* Yes, I'm fine. It was a board bomb. Honen, I was just trying to explain...You've somehow traveled back in time to 1999, before existed, and FO's site was a single page on with this jungle background. That's where we are now. Unfortunately, there are a lot of forum wars going on in this time period.
Honen: ... Great! I ask to be sent on vacation...FO sends me to warzone. But what are you doing here?
Wildclaw: Ahhhh...I see. Huh-huhn! She's an old flame, isn't she?
Honen: What? Nonsense! Why you think I leave ze Oni Village? She banished me long ago.
Wildclaw: Oh yeah, that's right, what was I thinking?
Honen: What do you mean, felis?
Wildclaw: What would hermaphrodites need relationships for?
Honen: Male, female, kitty, I don't care what you are!! I'm going to rip your whiskers out and shove them up your...
Leona: Wildclaw, please stop questioning Honen's masculinity. It's annoying him and disturbing everyone else.
Wildclaw: Hey, man, he started it. ... Uh-oh...Duck! Here comes another one!
Honen: Aye yai... Leona, how is it that you're alive? Were you not in Oni Village when it was attacked? Or did you survive and run away?
Leona: Neither, Honen. Something's gone wrong with the flow of time. Technically, I shouldn't be here either, but I ended up here somehow. Wildclaw and I believe that someone has fooled with the time stream and is attempting to alter the course of history. At the rate this is going, Port Saiid might lose the Great Forum Wars and will never exist.
Honen: Who cares? As long as you are alive, why worry?
Leona: Honen, aren't you still angry with me for banishing you?
Honen: Yes, but I'm always angry about someting, so what difference does it make?
Leona: Honen, I believe that the three of us were purposefully shifted to this time period by an unknown force so that we can perform a very specific task. We have to find out who's responsible for the attacks on this site, so Wildclaw and I have set a trap for him.
Wildclaw: Yeah, man. We implanted a huge bomb in the guestbook. Soon as he tries to flood it again, KA-BOOOOM!!!
Honen: What?? WAIT! No, deactivate it!
Leona: Don't you want to set things right and return to your own time, Honen?
Honen: No. I don't. I am miserable failure there. Might as well stay here.
Leona: But, Honen, you can't. If the time stream isn't returned to normal, who knows what else could happen? If is never created, then we might cease to exist. And besides...I know how you feel, but you and I are not compatible.
Wildclaw: See, I knew it! I knew it!!
Honen: Dat's not what she means!!!

But she iz wrong, anyway.

Leona: No, I'm not, Honen. I banished you because of your insistence on pursuing dangerous technology and science which has no place in the Oni culture. Do you not see that it's because of such technology that wars like the one going on around us happen?
Honen: But, Leona...
Leona: And do you know how it made me feel to be forced into banishing you? But you gave me no choice, despite how many times you were warned. Even after all this time, it seems you still haven't learned your lesson.

You know what? You not change one bit. Iz always about you, you, you! You iz only Oni more stubborn than I. Actually, iz stupid people dat cause wars, and dat's why I pursue science - to protect myself and people I care about (which iz fewer and fewer these days) from stupid people! Hmph!

I go back to using my raging maniacal psycho visage and return to my own time. I'll go blow up zis mystery board flooder myself and I do not care if resulting cataclysm returns time stream to normal or implodes entire universe. HAVE A NICE LIFE!!!

Leona: Honen...
Honen: P.S. Your headdress still looks as stupid as it did in ze 80's. GOODBYE!!!
Leona: Honen...I wasn't even drawn in the 80's.

Wildclaw: Punto del exclamation!! WE GOT HIM!!!
???: *cough* *cough* Dammit, man!! *cough* *hack* WTF??
Honen: Good! Let's dust ze ash off of him and see who he iz...
Leona: It's...Jonathan??
???: Oh, my ears...
Honen: Jonathan Devlin Domaine, aka Vampyrus?? YOU'RE ze one responsible for flooding ze guestbook and attempting to sabotage by screwing with ze time stream???
Vampyrus: Fuck, no! Didn't you people read the last two episodes? ErniePants is the one behind all of it. I was just trying to sign the guestbook. Sheesh!
Wildclaw: Dammit, man! We set up that trap and all it catches is a steekin', stoopid...
Vampyrus: ...
Wildclaw: ...kitty? ...






Honen: Oh for crying out beezwax!! Can someone just please show me where zis ErniePants iz so I can bean him and go home?
Vampyrus: Look, the only reason I'm even here is because FO thinks my avatar is hilarious and wanted to use it in a sketch, so I may as well tell you the truth: You can't beat ErniePants in this time period. Right now he's on our side and we need him to help win the forum wars. Destroying him now might tip the balance in the enemy's favor and possibly alter the course of history.
Honen: Ah, I see. You team up with enemy to fight greater common enemy...just like me and Professor McRaven when we fought Droma and Zimosa together. So then if I'm not here to destroy him, then why?
Vampyrus: The reason FO sent you here is because the one thing that can defeat ErniePants was hidden in this era and you need to bring it back to your time.
Honen: Where iz it? Just show me!
Vampyrus: Right at the end of the tunnel with the snake there. Don't worry. He'll let you through.
Leona: Won't you come with us?
Vampyrus: No. I have to play out my role in history as the fifth ace that they didn't show them.
Leona: ???
Vampyrus: Don't ask.
Wildclaw: I'll stay here, too. I have WAR to finish!
Honen: Uh-huh. I somehow think dat not real reason why you stay.

Wildclaw: What would you know about it, you androgynous inkblot?

Aye, yai...We waste too much time already. I'm glad you're not coming. Let's go, Leona.

Wildclaw: Yeah, you just go on ahead with your ambiguous self. I'm dropping a bomb on the Game Pond.
Honen: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?! You stupid mollusk-brain! Zis iz era before break-up! You'll be dropping a bomb on an ally!
Wildclaw: ... Oops...I forgot...

Wildclaw: Too late....
Wildclaw: Oh well...That place'll deserve it in a couple of years anyway.
Honen: *soupir exaspéré*


Honen: Ah, I see. Zis is my old battlearmor from ze Image Arcane series of ze 80's. Ze overlord must have hidden zis image file on her old website, but it was lost when Disney deactivated Dat's why she sent me here. Hmmm...and I see iz been modified for time travel...Leona, get onboard!
Leona: No...I refuse to ride in that...war machine.
Honen: Leona, you can come with me in my machine and live, or stay here and be killed by our enemies' technology. It makes more sense to come with me, no? And if you do...maybe someday you and I can rule ze world together.
Leona: *sigh* You still have your dreams, Honen, and I have mine.
Honen: Wait! What are you doing? Don't push dat button! Leoooooonnnnnaaaaa!!!
Leona: Goodbye, Honen, and...good luck.

Will Dr. Calzoun arrive in time to save the world from the terror of ErniePants? Will his old battlearmor be enough to finish the job? Will he be feeling up to it after once again being separated from his unrequited love? Stay tuned for the grand finale of the RAU Gallery Special 4-Part Miniseries: The Great Forum War!






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