Forum Archive Topic #9
Lost Chronicles

FO: This is a series of archived posts from the Port Saiid forums. These conversations were all too small or didn't have enough of a "story arc" to stand alone, so I compiled them all into this one collection of shorts. Enjoy.

Part 1
Of Beans and Men
Crawl: Since beans in bean bag chairs are something like PVC, I don't think they should be for eating.
Nucleo: The one in the library had real beans. I can personally testify to that.
Chance: And you wonder why you were so damn fat in those old 80's episodes.
Nucleo: Beans aren't that fattening. The camera was just adding more weight.
Crawl: Whenever FO talks about Nucleo eating beans from a beanbag chair, and also about Nucleo curling up and going to sleep on a poofchair, I imagine that he'd also take big handfuls of polyurethane from the chair and shove them in his mouth.
Nucleo: Polyurethane doesn't sound very appetizing to me, but what's this "poof chair" you speak of?
Chance: It's like a bean bag chair, except it has polyurethane inside instead of beans or PVC pellets. The reason FO suggested you'd like the poof chair is because you're known to fall asleep in giant piles of pillows, on countertops, and on the floor.

What kind of professor visits his student's home and then falls asleep on his kitchen table? You're lucky it wasn't Thanksgiving or else you probably would've been mistaken for the turkey.

Nucleo: Oh, that's nothing. You get mistaken for a turkey even without lying in the middle of a dinner table.
Chance:

I despise you.

Nucleo: You despise everybody.
Chance: Wasn't this topic originally about Killer7?
Nucleo: Maybe, at one point in history, that is what this topic was used for. I could perform an archaeological study on it to be sure. But for modern-day purposes, it has been converted into a thread for discussing bean bag chairs, my sleeping habits, and our uncanny resemblance to a North American game fowl.
Christopher: Ah, carbon-dating.

You know, teach, you should try doing that to the potroast in the back of the refrigerator. Nobody knows just how long it's been in there and now we can find out! It'd be a great scientific discovery!

Nucleo: I'm not going anywhere near that thing. Tomi went to get the mayonnaise out of the 'fridge about 5 days ago. No one's heard from him since.
Crawl: Nucleo McMuffin.
Nucleo: =)
Chance: Should we get you two a room?

Part 2
Profile of a Mountaindevil
Nucleo: Someone was viewing my Yuku profile yesterday... And I somehow have 155 charisma points. Hmmmmmmmm...
Flying Omelette: I wonder what would happen if I took Nucleo McRaven's account and went around posting at other boards with it....?
Crimson: I viewed your profile.
And I marked it.
With urine.
And then I licked it.
Christopher: The game is afoot!!
Chance: .... What in the great seven seas is going on here? If the Overlord catches you delinquents goofing around again...
Christopher: It looked to me like FO pretty much gave them the go-ahead.
Chance: I said the Overlord. Whether or not "Flying Omelette" and "The Overlord FO" are one and the same is still a subject of great debate.
Crawl: Not really.
Light Owl: O RLY?
Crimson: Land O Goshen she cried as he punged his slobbering sausage into her plumbcake.
Light Owl:
Ladd Spencer:

Barry Scott: Barry Scott here, asking whether you have trouble with kudos, facepalms, profile views... they're a problem for most Yuku users, but not Nucleo McRaven!

...wait...


Part 3
Temple of Lost Ezboard Posts Deleted Scene
FO: This is a scene that was left out of the original Temple of Lost Ezboard Posts sketch. Probably because it was difficult to work the forum troll's nonsense into the rest of the storyline. I rewrote it slightly to cut down on the original posts' wordiness.

da dick: once upon a time...
there was a boy.
which seeked the much fabled increasing lumps of gold lame
which would aid him in the search
for the 70s-musical-gay-porn-star-idol 1st-prize medal.

the boy died
on 1 day
just like every other day... only shorter.

END;

Forum Troll: I'm not doing the same thing I did the other night; I am as serious as I can get. He is saying ugly things in front of my little brother, and I don't like the tard for doing it. Please moderate him on his behavior (comments), and I'll surley take care of mine. Agreed?
FO: Having a slightly unhealthy obsession with porn isn't exactly worth moderating. It's not like he's actually posting any pictures or anything explicit.
Forum Troll: FO you make no sense. I expect to leave this forum, just because.
FO: Ooooooooookay.
Chester: Does this mean it's safe to go back to pulling gummi worms out of my trousers?
Christopher: Uh, Chet, buddy...um...I don't think that's a gummi worm...
Chester: ...What??

Jumping Jellybeans! You're right!

And I was wondering where I put that.

Nucleo: Never mind the Gummi worms, you two. I believe I have made a most important discovery!

I believe I found a treasure map that leads to....

The Temple of Lost Ezboard Posts!!!!

We cannot pass up this opportunity. Those lost posts could have historical value of great significance for all of mankind! The answers to life's mysteries could very well be contained within them.

This will be a journey of epic proportions...one that we may very well never return from! Will you two accompany me?

Christopher: Mankind? That'll do for Chester, but you're a mountaindevil and I'm an elf. What about us?
Nucleo: Of course. It's just easier to say "mankind" than to list every race all the time. These older sketches are wordy enough as it is.
Christopher: Allright, then... Even Samantha?
Nucleo: Yes, her, too. C'mon, we have to get going. There isn't a moment to lose.
Chester: Hot dawg!! Count me in!!
Nucleo: Chester...for the love of all things equilateral...please pull up your trousers.
Chester: Oops. Sorry about that.
Chance: Oh, puh-leeeease! There is absolutely no way you people could possibly survive such a mission all by yourselves. Screw that, the three of you are barely able to find your way out of the front door of the University.

And, seriously, have you ever considered the dangers of unleashing the contents of that temple (assuming it actually exists, and is not just another ivory-tower concocted by Nucleo's dogmatic mind) on the world? While there is a good chance the information contained in those lost posts could solve the world's problems, cure all diseases, and prove or disprove the existence of God, there is also great possibility that it could cause the entire universe to spontaneously melt into cocoa butter. Are you prepared to accept the enormous responsiblity for such theoretical cataclysmic results? I seriously doubt it.

In other words, I'm coming with you.

Nucleo: I assure you, Mr. Tomasaro, that this map is genuine. There's just one little problem...something I forgot to mention...

You see, the map...well, I don't exactly have it with me. It's, um...well...sewed to the pants leg of the ferryman who brought me here on his riverboat. He said he'd be happy to help with my expedition, but he had to go home to acquire some provisions first.

He should be back sometime tomorrow afternoon. He carries a bell attached to a long pole, which he'll ring when he's returned so that we'll know he's arrived.

And then, my young friends, we shall begin our journey...

Christopher: Okay, so long as Samantha isn't left out, you can count me in, too.

...Did someone mention cocoa butter?

Chester: I've got some in my tennis shoes. Want it?

Part 4
Sweet Schizophrenia
Crawl: I do sometimes visit a review site whose first few paragraphs are often worth skipping: The Filthy Critic.

But usually once he buckles down and actually starts discussing the movie under consideration, rather than the fake personalities that populate his imagination, then the review becomes frank and no-nonsense. (I'm still not entirely sure how serious the whole thing is, though; oh, well.)

And it's easy to skip those paragraphs because the "real" part of the review is pretty much self-contained apart from the intro.

Chance: There is nothing wrong with having fake personalities populate one's imagination.
Chester: Dude. I can't argue with that.
Christopher: Me neither.
Nucleo: For once, we agree on something, Mr. Tomasaro.

Part 5
Bump Topic
Christopher: I just bumped my head.
Preston: Well, now you know the real reason I wear this Aridian head garb - some of the ceilings are a mite too low around here. Softens the blow somewhat.
Nucleo: I don't have that problem. I just have to watch out for people tripping over me.
Ladd Spencer: Standing or sleeping on the carpet?
Nucleo: Both. It's mostly Chance, though.
Chance: It's not my fault. I'm over 6 feet tall. You're 4-1/2. Less when you're lying down. So stop sleeping on the damn floor already!!
Nucleo: Mr. Tomasaro, if you put a chair in the middle of an otherwise empty football field, you'd find a way to trip over it.

Part 6
Couch Potatoes
CB007: My DVD remote has been lost for a long time. It seems to have fallen into a hole in the couch and seems to be quite unreachable. This was only realized today.

This is the story.


CB007: DVD remote. You're still alive, old friend.
Remote: Still, "old friend." You've managed to break just about every other electronic device, but like a poor marksman, you keep missing the target.
CB007: Perhaps I no longer need to try, Remote.
Remote: ... CB007, you've got a TV remote, a CD player remote, and several controllers, but you don't have me. You were going to break me, CB007. You're gonna have to come down here. You're gonna have to come down here.
CB007: I've done far worse than break you, Remote. I've lost you. And I wish to go on losing you. I shall leave you as you left me, as you left her: marooned for all eternity in the unreachable depths of the couch, buried alive. Buried alive.
Remote: CB0000000000000000000000000007!!!
James: Maybe Nucleo could get it out.
Nucleo: Oh, wait...THAT'S what that thing was? Um, well...

...it was delicious.

CB007's Remote

2006-2007


Part 7
Deja Vu
PW: PWNED BY PRINCE WATERCRESS!!!
Brigade: Ha ha! That guy was always talking to his imaginary friends.
Forum Jackass: He could have at least registered alt accounts to make it seem like his "Nonsense Warriors" were real.
Nucleo: I concur.
Christopher: As do I.
Lukyan: Thirded.
Chester: Dude, me too, but I'm not sure why.
Raymond: I agree, too. =(
Image: If my Nuky says so, than I say so, too.
Chance: Oh for crying out beeswax! Are you people out of your minds?! Why would you want him to have MORE usernames? More to spam the board with??

Idiots.

Nicolas Cage: No, NO, NOT THE BEESWAX!!! MY EYES!!!

Part 8
Special Service Announcement
Christopher:

Hello, and welcome to the RAU Gallery Newsdesk. I am Christopher Paladin, and this is my good friend, Frizz.

We've come here today because I wanted to clear up some rather nasty rumors that have been going around about Frizz. Some people claim it's dangerous to be around an uncaged giant hamster. They say a hamster of Frizz's size could easily stuff a full-grown man into its cheek pouches.

Well, I'm not convinced.

Here to debunk this myth is our local hamster expert, Ranger Bob.

...

Ranger Bob?

...

Frizz, have you seen Ranger Bob?

"Uh-uh"

Christopher: Well, looks like you'll just have to take my word for it, folks, as Ranger Bob is currently missing and we have no idea where he could possibly be. Thank you, and have a pleasant weekend.

Part 9
New Yuku Accounts
FO: Well, I finished registering Cory McRaven, Jack Sheen, Talon Kyradius, Wildclaw, Cirrus Razeena, Robin Calypson, Lizaki, Samantha, Sesa Markino, and Taura Asa for the forums.

That's all for now. I'll worry about registering the others later if I need them.

Zumo Zumo: Hey! What about me??
Honen: Why ze hell iz your forum name "Zumo Zumo"???
Zumo Zumo: I accidentally put my name in both the first and last name fields when I signed up and hit the submit button before I realized what I did.
Honen: Aye, yai, yai. Ver stupide.
Zumo Zumo: Gimme a break. Do you realize how difficult this is without hands?
Ogrin: Move over, mollusk. I have to test MY profile.
Zumo Zumo: Annelid, not mollusk. And don't get too close. Avians make me nervous.
Ogrin: Haw haw! You call THAT a profile!

Now THIS is a profile!

Zumo Zumo: Oh, yeah, well check mine again. Beat that, homeboy.
Ogrin: That's just...to put it in the words of my home countrymen...unsettling.

Part 10
Oni Boredom
Honen: I am bored Oni...

Entertainment, you lowly Port Saiid denizens.

Honen: Caramba!! Dat was supposed to be "Entertain me" not "Entertainment"! Why can I not edit post? Zis sucks.
CB007: I've already sworn loyalty to another, but I will try to entertain you in the only way I know how. Random image.

James: My dancing chicken could beat your dancing chicken anyday:

CB007:

James:

Honen: Two can play dat game, Mr. Team Rocket Man:

James:

Honen:

Porn Sigma: Why do you have a ball on the end of your hat?
Honen: Iz traditional Oni monk clothing. Just ze way it iz.
Crawl: You could trying growing your head for fun.
Honen: What iz dat supposed to mean? I already have a head. Why would I want another one?
Crawl:

Doveblob: That's...disturbing.

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