The Great Forum War Part 1
No Suit, No Service

Preston: Excuse me, but I was left a note saying that you wanted to see me. Is that true or is somebody playing a prank on me again?
FO: No pranks. I asked you to come. Now stand still.
Preston: ...
FO: Okay, there, now what do you think?
Preston: What...? Oh, I see. Splendid! I never thought I'd say this, but it's actually good to look over 50 again.
FO: Are you sure you're okay with leaving behind your more youthful appearance?
Preston: Absolutely! And besides, I think if I had heard one more Doogie Howser joke, I was going to be in need of therapy. Anyway, please let me know if there's anything I can do to repay this kind favor.
FO: No, that's okay. I figured we've done as much with this premise as possible anyway, so I better step up on getting the requests filled out.
Preston: By the way, I heard a rumor that someone was antagonizing you over this site section. Is that true?
FO: Maybe. It's not for you to worry about.
Preston: Allright. I can't really imagine why anyone would have a problem with us...Well, except that, you know, "Deliberate Insanity" is kind of hard to understand if you haven't played Eternal Darkness.
FO: Don't worry. It's pretty much undecipherable even if you have.
Preston: I see. Well, I think I should be going now. Take care.
???: Sorry, but you're not going anywhere. This site is in violation of the Children's Television Network Code. Unless you start making changes around here, you'll all be under arrest.
Preston: By Leohtiss, what in the world...? Is this our antagonist? Who or what is he?
FO: A Network Suit. Unfortunately, when you're dealing with a parody of 80's cartoons, you take the good with the bad.
Preston: A Network Suit? Surely, you jest. Why does it matter if we violate some television laws? This is the internet.
Suit: RAU Gallery Character "Dr. Preston Abirok" is hereby in violation of CTNC #452:

No character in any cartoon shall wear glasses. Glasses are scary and frighten little children, especially when they break...because the broken pieces become really sharp objects that are scary and frightening. I hereby decree that "Dr. Preston Abirok's" glasses must be removed. He shall then proceed to paw relentlessly at the ground in a desperate attempt to find them while shouting "my glasses!"

Preston: Glasses scare children? Sir, you are either delusional or trying, but failing miserably, to be funny. Either way, I'm not removing my glasses nor "pawing at the ground" for your entertainment.
Suit: Disagreeing with me is a violation of CTNC #15: No character shall ever argue with another character and have a mind of his own. All characters must follow along with what every other character wants and anyone who dissents from the group shall be taught a lesson. For violating CTNC #15, I decree that "Dr. Preston Abirok" shall be thrown outside, into the forest, whereby he will land on his head in a clearing in the meadow.
Preston: ... Are you threatening me? Because if you are, I'll warn you...I may not look like much, but you'd be surprised how strict Aurora is about teaching her students self-defense...
Suit: But you foolishly relinquished your youth. You're nothing but a useless old man now, which puts you in violation of CTNC #698: No cartoon character over the age of 14 can be an active member of the fighting team. All cartoons must have children only. I hereby decree that "Dr. Preston Abirok" must grow a long white beard and retreat to either a lonely mountain cabin, the sewers, or an old rotting chair in the corner whereby he will give sage advice to the youngsters, but will never actively participate in any adventures ever again.
Preston: Just an old man, huh? Well, you're just a suit and sunglasses on a flimsy wireframe hanger. If you seriously think I can't take you...
Robin: Whoah, hey, hold the phone! What's going on in here? Preston, you're not usually a violent man. Why do you have your sword drawn?
Preston: Ms. Calypson, I so deeply apologize for you having to see me like this, but this "Network Suit" here is harassing FO and trying his damndest to kick me out of the series.
Robin: Does it have to come to violence? Can't we just ignore him?
Talon: I agree with Dr. Abirok on this one. These are the guys that messed up the Real Ghostbusters and forced the Eric character into the Dungeons & Dragons cartoon. He could seriously screw us up if left to roam loose...moreso than all the sanity effects, misguided griffins, and universe implosions in the, well...universe.
Robin: Talon...did you get a new picture from FO?
Talon: No, I made this one myself. My neck was twisted around in the other picture and was starting to feel stiff. And I figured, why bother the overlord when I'm an artist and all...
Robin: It looks nice. You look more...confident and mature.
Talon: Thanks, but I think we have bigger worries right now.
Suit: RAU Gallery character "Talon Kyradius" is in violation of CTNC #231: No good character shall have horns. Only evil characters who worship Satan have sharp horns that frighten children, because sharp objects are scary.
Robin: Excuse me, sir, but that's the most blatantly offensive statement that's been uttered in this series yet. Your laws are basically teaching kids to judge people by what they look like or their age, never think for themselves, and to nitpick over stupid, petty things.
Talon: Don't worry, Suit. I've got sharper and much scarier objects in my possesion than my horns.

Robin: Talon, relax. I'll agree he's obnoxious, but I still don't think we should resort to...
Suit: RAU Gallery character "Robin Calypson" is in violation of CTNC #89: She is dressed like a slut and she is too independant. All women of age in cartoons must become mommies and must never have a flourishing career. I hereby decree that "Robin Calypson" must give up her teaching job at the Grimmora University and all future aspirations of becoming a pilot again. She is hereby sentenced to finding an old run-down house full of abandoned orphans and act as their surrogate mother for the entire rest of the series.

"Robin Calypson" must also wear a blouse and turtleneck sweater at all times and must never appear in her demonic form again. Demons scare children, worship Satan, and have sharp claws and teeth that are scary and frighten people.

Robin: Dressed like a slut? Satan worshipper? Give up my career? Okay, that does it! You two stand back, I wanna take him out myself!
FO: Hold on! Don't you think I've tried getting rid of him? He's too dangerous to tackle alone. The three of you will have to work together to defeat him.
Talon: What do we do? And remember that I can't use magic.
FO: I'll give you a Triple Tech skill that doesn't require magic. Preston and Talon, strike him in an X-formation with your swords, and Robin jump into the middle of "X" and slash downward with your claws. You've got one shot at it. Make it count. Ready? GO!
Talon: As ridiculous as that looked, I think it actually worked.
Robin: No wonder he was so scared of sharp objects. Torn to shreds...
Preston: Too bad I couldn't seem to make him understand that this is the internet, not television, so even if such preposterous laws were still in effect, we wouldn't have to follow them anyway.
Suit: Mwa ha ha ha! I am well aware that this is the internet, mortals! And you are all in violation of BBS Code #240: No one shall post the letter "H" between the hours of 8:00 am and 9:00 pm Eastern Standard Time. You are also in violation of BBS Code #342: All discussions between the hours of 7 am and 2:30 pm EST must be about undergarments!

Absolutely, positively, no breaking, bending, questioning, changing, or ignoring the rules!

Preston: By Leohtiss! He's still alive!
Robin: Waaaaaaiiiit a minute here...This guy is starting to remind me of someone...
Talon: Starting? I thought something about him seemed awfully familiar to me all along...but the suit was ripped apart and the glasses smashed. How could he still be kicking after all that?
Preston: There was something folded on the hanger inside the suit that we missed...It looks like...oh dear.
Robin: ERNIEPANTS?!?! One of the most evil and annoying message board hooligans in all of Port Saiid? He was the one behind all the ridiculous regulations and censorship of network cartoons in the 80's???
Talon: Well, it makes sense. ErniePants's BBS rules were always as nonsensical and impossible to follow as those old cartoon laws. And he's been using the same damn jokes since 1998, which is consistent with the Suit's habitual repetition of laws that are woefully outdated.
ErniePants: I am the Omni-Wonder of the Universe! The Supreme Ruler of the BBS! Scourge of the Game Pond! Sultan of Port Saiid! Master of the Astral Plane! YOU SHALL ALL BOW DOWN TO ME!!!



Talon: By Lord Drago...
Robin: What's he doing?
Preston: I can't see a thing...

Talon: Great. He's gone into his second form.
Robin: Yup. Everything we've worked for all our lives is going to meet the needs of a giant, horribly-photoshopped pair of trousers.
Preston: We can't give up yet. For the sake of, for the fate of the entire universe, we MUST destroy him once and for all! I'm not much of a fighter, but I'll use what training Aurora has given me.
Talon: Chance and Nucleo have taught me well, too. I'm ready!
Robin: Well, I've had no formal training, but I'm pretty powerful in this form. Good thing I didn't change out of it just yet. Let's do it!!

Do an ace pilot, aging psychiatrist, and shy artist really have what it takes to save the entire universe? Find out next week, same RAU time, same RAU channel.

Preston: Um...hey, watch it with the "aging" comments, okay? Switching back to my more youthful countenance is merely a matter of changing a 3 to a 2 in the URL.
Talon: And I'm trying to get over the "shyness" thing, so how about cutting me a little slack, huh?
Robin: I suppose I'm grateful I got called an "ace pilot" instead of "earth-demon girl" again, but I'm actually a little more than just that. I'm also an accomplished magician. Besides, who even are you, anyway?

Who am I? I am the Narrator, of course! Why else would I have such a loud, booming voice?

Robin: Because you're standing too close to your boom mike?

... That isn't funny.




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